Approval

A key to personal growth and evolution is a continuous and a conscious re-examination of one's own thoughts, personality, and character. And as I am dissuaded and distracted by a piece of thought I have, coupled with the insecurities I harbor, I shall reflect on this piece of me.

Yesterday, I was consulting my Computer Science professor about which classes to take, and she highlighted the importance of taking more humanities courses. Taking such courses would not only broaden my pool of knowledge, but also make me a more wholesome person. This is the supposed hallmark of Liberal Arts education, where intellectual pursuit is done for the sole purpose of quenching the individual's thirst of knowledge.

One thought led to another, and I became worried about whether I am making the most out of my education here at Amherst College. I recounted instances where great admiration has been shown to persons who displayed great intellectual capacity and confidence. And indeed, their intellectual prowess were not on commonplace fields of knowledge such as current affairs, politics, or the economy, but on more arcane fields such as history, philosophy, and literature. I profess to admiring these people with broad knowledge, but also, feeling the urge to be one of them, to be admired for being "intellectual". As such, I reached a point where I felt guilty for only taking economics and computer science classes, which are nowhere arcane or intellectually stimulating enough by the standards of these people.

Then I remembered my conversation with another spiritual friend/advisor in Jakarta I had in the past summer. According to her, I possess a character trait of perfectionism. I really like harmonious relationships, and everyone's good opinions or approval toward me matter a lot. I try to be the Mr. Perfect, trying to achieve perfection in order to be seen in a good light by everyone. Borrowing an analogy she presented, I am like a smooth circular sphere who keeps smoothening himself. I seek to progress with my life, with my relationships in a very smooth, frictionless manner. And as you Physics majors know, a stationary object trying to move with its own force needs friction in order to accelerate (Newton's Third Law). What ends up happening is I keep on smoothening myself, but I end up staying stuck there, not advancing at all as I keep on rolling and rolling about in the same place. Perhaps, I am better off as an ugly-shaped lump of an object who persists on rolling forward. Life is not a race, but joy in life lies in progress.

Thus, I discovered that there is a part of myself that judges me for not being able to be perfect, for not being able to gain everyone's approval. And, sure enough, my insecurities stem from this part of me. As a people-oriented person, I know that I might fall into the same trap in the future, but I pray that I always will remember that having the approval of everyone means having the approval of no one. Paul Newman, a famous artist and philanthropist, once said: "A man with no enemies is a man with no character." I won't go around looking for enemies just to prove that I have character, but I will gain my own approval of me first. It doesn't matter how many stamps of approval I get if I don't get my own's.

Maybe I will have made the most out of my education here. Maybe I won't. But all I know is I made these decisions myself, and yes, I got my back. If not, who would? Maybe ten years down the road the girl of my dreams won't be as fascinated with me because I am not liberal artsy enough for her. But maybe, just maybe, she'll be able to accept and love me the way I am? It is precisely these perfectionistic tendencies that cause me to take things too seriously, to take into account tomorrow's problem into today's, and to excessively care about people's judgements and how things pan out. I'll have to give these tendencies a break if I ever wish to achieve security. For secure is derived from Latin securus: se which means without, and curus, which means care.

Let go.

Hmm

Beloved readers, this post is more of a self-reflection answering some qualms I have encountered. It's more for me than for you. Thanks :)

On Love,

Earlier this week, I was talking to my boss about dating. She's pretty impressed (and horrified) to learn that I only consider dating my best friends. It's a double-whammy: If you win, you have everything to win. But if things go wrong, you lose not only your lover, but a best friend too. And apparently it doesn't work, because once a guy is in a friendzone, he stays there forever.

I um.. I think I am willing to take the chances that there's some women out there who might have the same philosophy, who prioritize comfort over excitement, and understanding over mystery. What I need to learn is to shelve my tendency to be overly kind and also to shelve my physical attraction to my female friends (and also the need to attract their attention). I guess that's what I mean when I tell myself I have to take it easy. It's not about who to commit to, because it's not at all about commitment. But it is all about choosing who to share my love to, and then committing to myself that it shall never be broken.

And then just hope that the other party would be willing to share hers back. Because if she doesn't, and I truly love her, it doesn't matter. Love doesn't expect anything back. But I know, that for my purposes, I would love being loved back (I'm human too), so now it's just a question of choosing who deserves such a love? And I pray that I become more patient as I choose, and as I do so, I shall not be blinded by pity or lust.

Also, a bunch of my close friends have just graduated from college recently, and they all shared the same advice: Find a girlfriend while you are still in college. It's apparently way more difficult to meet girls outside college. It seems true. Yesterday, the first-years just checked in, and with them a bunch of my friends who are helping with orientation came back to Amherst. I am nowhere near a Don Juan or a Cassanova, but I think I get along pretty well with the ladies. And yes, in the span of 48 hours, I've talked to exactly seven ladies who are kind, attractive, around my age, and not taken (I think), which is around the same number of ladies I talked to during the three months of summer that has just ended.

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"Give me a minute, I'm good. Give me an hour, I'm great. Give me six months, I'm unbeatable."  -Hannibal from The A-Team movie.

I remember this quote when I think about the power of time. I know we shouldn't compare ourselves with other people, but I think the only person we can compare ourself to is the person we were yesterday.

And thus, I look back, and I realize that although I loved myself from the past, I think I grow over time too. I might lose some, but I know that as time passes, I become more mature, and my capabilities grow bigger too. I am confident that the me right now is a much better person to date than the me five years ago, and thus the me five years later would me a way better person to date than the me now.

I also am a believer in the law of attraction, and that you attract similar vibes. As I become wiser and more mature, I'll attract more wiser and more mature company too. I am confident that I can make a girl happy right now, but I am confident I can make her happier in the future. Therefore, with all respect to my seniors' opinions, I will still take it easy. And thus I shall be free from insecurity but also from complacency.

Dear self, take it easy, take it slow. Love does not rush, and she is not going anywhere. Relax, breathe, enjoy the journey, and live.

Sending positive vibrations on your way :)