Anicca - the Ever Impermanence

Dear readers,

How are you? Hope all is well, and you are all happy and healthy! It's been a while - my last post was back in 2021 of hiking Mt Pancar, and prior in January 2020 when I made the decision to resign from Cornerstone Research, accept KoinWorks' offer and move back from New York to Jakarta for good. It's been a good four years since, and not only I have changed jobs, I've also changed girlfriends.... Life is indeed anicca, it is ever changing, and it is impermanent. 

In fact, my new loved one is the reason behind me revisiting this blog. Being burned out from my role in such a hectic startup, I decided to join a smaller, and (what I believe to be) a more sustainable company called Proglix. In between, I was lucky enough to snag a month's worth of unpaid leave that I took in February 2024 - which I used to take care of some family errands in China, to celebrate Chinese New Year, to spend some quality time in Singapore with my new love, Janjan, and to participate in Merta Ada's Tapa Brata Bali Usada. The latter is a week long silent meditation health retreat with no phones, no talking, no reading, no writing, and no daydreaming allowed, and it was quite a fascinating experience that I was able to take without any reservations thanks to being in between jobs. Yet, during that leave, I took the liberty to share this blog with Janjan, in the hopes of allowing these humble words to keep her company, and it turned out that she appreciated it so, and it made me feel such a waste that I did not continue chronicling my stories for the past four years. Thank you for at least extending the life of this blog by one more post, Jan!

Anyways, there are many beautiful things I learned and experienced during the seven-day retreat. I told myself that lest that I forgot everything from the retreat, I shall commit to doing two things: 1) to meditate everyday and 2) to eat slowly and savor every bite. And I know that if I continue doing these two things, I'm a lot better off as a person than who I was in the past, and it's quite impressive. #2 is quite straightforward, I love eating very much as a person - and savoring every bite is good for my brains and for my stomach, but also allowed me to be satisfied with a lot less - meaning it's also very good for my finances hehehe.

For #1 - there are lots of reasons why meditating is good, but I would like to focus on the ability to develop wisdom, live in the present, and being happy now. It is impressive that my mind is always able to find things to worry about, and to be anxious about. And yet, during these moments, with a bit of mindfulness I am able to remind myself, "this moment will never exist again, enjoy it". From the mundane travels to work ("this moment of being stuck in traffic to BSD for the 3rd time will never exist") to the joys of sharing a breakfast in GAIA hotel in Bandung with my parents and siblings ("I'm not sure if I will ever come back to this beautiful hotel again, and if I would I don't know if I would be back with my family, and hence I will enjoy it") and of course, during a particular late-night call with my beloved ("this exact moment of sharing our laughter and making fun of each other during this call will never exist again, and hence I am going to enjoy this carefully"), and that knowing that the long-distance relationship too will change and fade, gave me a lot of strength to continue but also at the same time a lot of hope that we will be physically together soon, someday, and yet, to try and enjoy the LDR in itself.

When I first ended the seven-day retreat, I felt so much peace and happiness in me. I was very undistracted; although nagging thoughts and worrying thoughts came, they never had any power over me, and I was never restless nor worried. I have learned to ask myself: "What's the rush?" whenever I am slowly eating, or showering, or doing my task. Yet, I am mentally preparing myself to continue the descend to the "madness" of the daily routine/busyness of my life. And that is the challenge to myself, despite living a fast-paced life, how do I ensure pockets of slowness and mindfulness, and how do I maintain this inner calm, this inner knowing and understanding of the ever-changing nature of life, this awareness of enjoying the exact moment that will never exist again. First and foremost - I'd wager that my real and only job is to give my best, to be of help to others, and to maintain this equanimity as much as possible. It's slowly dawning on me, perhaps, that no matter how happy or how stressed I am, my material achievements will be quite the same, and hence, why do I walk the path of anxiety, stress, and self-torture?

 

Cacti in one of Gaia's greenhouses

Koi Pond @ Gaia

A Hike to Mt. Pancar - a Prelude

About a few months ago, back around the holy fasting period, I needed a break from the city life and hence was inspired to travel. After a lot of deliberation and (self) quarreling, I opted for a Friday + weekend trip to Sentul, Bogor, which is slightly under a two-hour drive from Jakarta. I booked a cheap room at Lor-In, packed my own food and snacks (I was very strictly WildFit Spring at the time), and drove down my trusty HRV for a nice ride.

My mum was very suspicious of the hotel I booked - because it was so cheap... I think two nights were less than IDR 800k (translating to about USD 25/night)... but the room was spacious and clean, which is all I really need when I travel. The location wasn't that strategic - it was near the Sentul Circuit (with loud motoGP-esque sounds) and was still an hour's drive away from the city of Sentul or Bogor, but isolation didn't bother me, because I wished to be alone.

Despite arriving on a Friday afternoon, the hotel was quiet. Sure, it could have been due to the Ramadhan fasting period, that people don't travel around as much. However, you have to admit a sense of distance from the hotel staff members and other guests... Everyone was wearing masks, temperature needed to be taken prior to entering the building, and staff members shielding themselves behind sheets of translucent plastic as they serve you. Welcome to the new normal, I guess. But I did enjoy my walks around the hotel compound, the winding back roads that led to a series of dilapidated houses built on cliffs, with plastic buckets and remnants of recycled wastes serving as a semi-permanent wall. I paced myself and eyed the three kampong boys ahead of me nervously, as they ultimately reached their destination, a small opening with a fishing pond, full of people merrily casting their fishing rods about. While I turned back, I thought to myself that I'm glad as some things never change.

Not bad, right? The window's room leads to an outdoor view of the compound, where you can see (and unfortunately, hear) the racetracks. But at least they stop racing after the sun goes down, and it was definitely more peaceful than when I was staying over at the CBD of Jakarta....

In the first picture, you'll see a lot of packed foodstuff - I resolved to not buy any meals out during the Spring WildFit (as I mentioned above). I foresaw that the hotel won't have any microwaves, thus the big plastic bowl: to heat up the food I brought I would boil the hotel's water inside the kettle, and submerge the glass container in the hopes of heating the food up. I'm quite the genius, right, if I can say so myself ;). And thus the first day of the mini-adventure wrapped up as I stare into the view while munching on my provisions and listening to the company's town hall... with the leaders urging us to stick around while discussing the appropriate incentives.

All right, time for bed, there's a full day ahead tomorrow.

The Work

Hi insecurity,

Thank you for coming through me. I guess this theme has happened so many times before- I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I am scared that with where I am right now and what I can do right now I can never find something suitable.

A part of me believes that I am not good enough, that I am not capable enough, and I won't ever develop the talent/skillsets necessary. That I won't even find my passion. Is this because I don't know myself very well?

When I was looking for my first job, I said to myself, whatever it is would work as long as I get to stay in America. And then I'll figure it out from there. I now have a job lined up in a startup in Jakarta, but a part of me is scared that it won't work out or it won't lead to a development skillset or a job that I truly love and want to spend the rest of my life doing.

Yes, I want to figure that out. I want to figure out what I would LOVE to spend the rest of my life doing. I want to know what I want, and I want to know how I would enjoy spending the rest of my time here in the third rock away from the sun. This feeling grips me, because insofar in my life I have never really truly known. What can I do to truly know? How can I truly understand?

Something that has been offered to me is to focus on the feeling. What does it feel like to have true clarity and to actually be working in something that I would want to do for the rest of my life? It would range from the feeling of calm, to the feeling of being madly in love and passionate. I would wake up feeling psyched going to work, and while at work, time would fly so fast because there's a plethora of amazing and interesting things to do. I would go home feeling satisfied, knowing that I have done the best I could on that day, and resting easy as I look forward to the tomorrow. I would be able to talk about my work with pride, because I know that it is inherently interesting and it adds value to the lives around me. I would be able to grow my skillsets and knowledge, and travel as I work to see the world. I am able to make connections with people, and understand myself better through what I am doing. And of course, whatever I touch becomes gold- which increases the gold in the bank. And oh, having a great boss and a wonderful mentor/sponsor would be amazing too.

Wouldn't it be a really nice way to live? Doesn't it feel great to live this way?

Half Moon Bay

Hello folks- I am writing this as I am enjoying myself in the Ritz Carlton of Half Moon Bay, courtesy of Cornerstone Research. No, we do not travel at all, but after hitting two and a half years at this company, we are rewarded with a retreat trip that connects the Senior Analysts and Research Associates of Cornerstone Research from the seven offices throughout the US (+1 London). This is very nice as I finally meet the other SAs/RAs who I have worked with remotely, really nice to finally put a face to their names. Kevin and I also ran at the back roads of the hotel, and it really reminded us of Amherst (except for the beach).

I am grateful that the long, winding road of my life took me to this path, to where I am right now. And haha, the future still looks as uncertain and as hard as I was when I was applying for college, or applying for my first-ever internship, or my first-ever full-time job, but I do get a bit wiser. As I am in the process of figuring exactly what my next steps are, I couldn't help but be excited about what's ahead, but at the same time very nervous and uncertain as well. I would like to practice this deep abiding trust, deep and strong surrender for what's to come.

Apparently the heart opens itself to things and that is how the life force flows through you, and everytime you contract, everytime you deny, everytime you pull yourself away, the life force flows less and lesser, and eventually deprives you of yourself (the true you). And therefore I shall keep my heart open, in half moon bay.

Come to me, this deep sense of calm and knowing. Because that is all I will ever have, and all I will ever be.

YouTube

Hi friends,

These days I have been watching a lot of YouTube (think Stephen Colbert, Trevor Noah, The Office, etc..) and I came to a realization.

You see, there are two ways in which I watch YouTube - I would either watch it from my laptop's Chrome browser, or my iPad's DuckDuckGo browser. It's just a matter of which one's more physically accessible for me (e.g. iPad's nicer when I watch as I lay on my bed, slacking off.. hehe).

Now, I don't know if you are familiar with DuckDuckGo, but it is a cookie-free privacy-oriented browser, compared to Google Chrome which keeps track of which videos I have searched for. And indeed, at one point while using the iPad I lamented to myself that the video recommendations aren't as good as when I use my laptop - it would be pretty much random. The recommendations through my laptop will be on-point: the next episode of Stephen Colbert, another clip of The Office I haven't seen, or another new minisode from my favorite game-streamer, DangerouslyFunny.

Well, of course, you say. Every single search that I offer on YouTube through Chrome informs the great algorithm of YouTube of what my preferences are, and as the system tries to keep me engaged, it offers me similar videos, and most importantly, videos that it thinks I would be most likely to watch and enjoy. And as I click on these recommended videos, the algorithm gets more and more reinforced and finds more and more videos to my liking.

Isn't this how our minds work, as well? It offers thoughts to us much like YouTube offers videos to us. Except that this is 24/7 without a pause button (well, unless you get into the bliss field when you meditate, get into a coma, or a blackout sleep). But I've recently discovered that by being circumspect about what I write in the search bar of my mind, I increasingly more and more enjoy the resulting thought-videos that are offered to me. My mind learns of my preferences, and gives me more of the same. And then someone said that your thoughts become things, that your inner world determine your outer world, that what you feel and vibrate is what you attract. And friends, the science behind that is known as the Reticular Activating System (RAS).

I hope you are loving what your channel is playing for you.

som nee ya

Hello hello,

It has been a while. I have been *neglecting* this part of my life, where I think and reflect and ponder upon my life. But now I am back at it as I am sitting in a cafe called Broken Coconut in Bleeker Street, watching a man on a Rumble jacket stringing along his dog while shaking his ass to some classy music.

This is really night and day from my experience in Jakarta (yes, I just got back from a longish vacation back home and Bali, granting myself the necessary time to catch up with my family). As usual, time back home was typically slower (though not necessarily more or less stressful or eventful) hence it offered me a space to reflect and internalize new thoughts and discarding or reintegrating old systems and beliefs.

Alright, instead of writing stories about back home, please indulge me as I try to clarify - largely for my own benefit - the ideas/concepts/mental models that I am experimenting with.

First, according to Emily Fletcher (my current meditation guru), per the Vedas there are always three circles - circles of creation, maintenance, and destruction. If my memory serves me right, this flows with the Hindu gods of Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva. The essence of the teaching is as follows: the Universe is expanding, and therefore it supports the endeavor of creation. Maintenance is squarely followed by destruction, and therefore the universe doesn't like it when we just stay stagnating. Now, she also offered that instead of judging something as positive or negative, she invites us to see if that thing (or that aspect of our lives) is in the phase of creation, maintenance, or destruction. All of us have multiple facets to our lives and it's definitely alright for an aspect, say, this blog (hehehe) be on the destruction (or neglect) phase as I focus on creating on the other aspects of my life, be it my physical health (through WildFit!) or my spirituality (through Ziva!).

This really squares nicely into the next idea- what was coined a Barbell method by Nasim Nicholas Taleb in his book Antifragile. Essentially, having two extremes as a way to achieve a balance is a much better way to go than having everything in middling or in moderation. Eric Edmeades from WildFit also said that everything in moderation includes your health- thus the Barbell method to health would probably be intermittent fasting (periods of noneating followed by overeating), and the idea that having five glasses of wine in one day is healthier than having one glass of wine everyday for five days (not that I encourage binge drinking, but hey it's a free country). So now, in line with my spiritual advisor's encouragement (Mbak Mary Susaktiani), I intend to apply the barbell concept to my other areas of life as well, especially in terms of socializing, trying something new, and moving out of my comfort zone. If all organics are antifragile, i.e. benefits from randomness, shocks, and variability, surely something new every so often would rejuvenate and strengthen my being. Perhaps it shall give me the spice of life that I am after.

Last is the idea that we are all one, we are extensions of the Universe in which we are acting as its tool in which we experience and enjoy life. This also means that we are not at the driver seat of our buses, but at the same time there is the Universe who focuses squarely and positively at you and holds you onto its loving attention (per Abraham Hicks) and who has got your back and gives you what you need and maybe not quite what you want (per Srikumar Rao). What follows is then loosely gripped but clear desires, surrender, using feeling, clarity, and intuition as a guide, and then treating others as how you would want to treat yourself- all the while rejoicing, growing, creating, and having tons of fun because the only time we have is now, from the beginning of time through the eternity. Something that I am grappling with personally is therefore that as people have their stories (and co-create in them) and allotted fortunes (rejeki), they would have allotted emotions and feelings. I have been taught that the way to do anything and everything is to first accept it, acknowledge it, and surrender to it. After we follow them to their natural course and conclusion, as we become clearer and clearer on what we want, we are then free to manifest change. We have the power to make the Universe even more perfect, but before doing so we must recognize that it has already been perfect and always will be.

And now I understand- I resolve to take it easy and to enjoy and to take risks and be adventurous, to follow my gut, to be open to all kinds of experiences, to be soft-spoken and gracious and grateful but to have a firm will and a solid understanding that everything has been, is, and will be alright (this is bliss, vs happiness) and to have very clear and strong desires and intentions and responsibility, integrity, and self-respect but to have them loosely held.

And thus, I march forward.

Yay

Hello readers,

How are you? Today's post is going to be a quick one, and it's not really even about me-

Four, five months ago, while New York was breezing cold, my friend Grace reached out to me, asking if Cornerstone Research was still hiring for analysts. She was helping out her friend, Marco, who have been job hunting as he wanted to stay in the States after he graduated. Unfortunately, at that point, CRNY has stopped recruiting for the season, since we've met our target of analysts for hire. But I decided that I could meet Marco anyways- I really enjoyed chatting with the friendly fellow when I met him at Brooklyn Cider House for Grace's birthday party.

With the intent to act as a resource for him, and to provide him with some encouragement (I've been through what he went through, too), I met him for dinner, just the two of us. We met in a sushi place that he recommended, which is apparently owned by an Indonesian. Anyways, we chatted, and we had a blast. I learned that he is very similar to me, very nice, smart, and driven- he has opportunities back home, but he wanted to stay. (I called it a "happy predicament", by the way). I shared my experience looking for internships and full-time jobs here, and told him about getting coffee chats and Scouted.io, which got me my first-ever internship that arguably led me to my job today (which I'm happily working for longer than two years now!!)

Needless to say, I picked the tab up (hey I was cheering him up, man), and simply told him to buy me a dinner later, when he eventually got a job offer. Wow it rhymes. I wasn't expecting anything- I know in my heart for sure that eventually he will land something, but I didn't actually expect him to remember what I said or this dinner at all.

A few months later, as we were savoring our Korean food at Take31, he said that the conversation he had was pivotal- he landed a job at Bridgewater, the world's largest hedge fund [really tempted to insert a footnote explaining as-of date, with AUM here hahaha], through Scouted.io. This was such great news, and thinking about it really warmed my heart, as he told me how his superday proceeded in such a Bridgewater-esque fashion. For one, he got scored on every single segment of his interviews, and it was transparently floated to him. Another curveball was that he received coding questions although he didn't apply for a technical role (yes, throughout the process his interviewers realized he might have an aptitude for coding, and shifted him to that role, asking him, among other things, how to construct an algorithm that prevents a linked-list from looping over itself). The biggest punchline (at least for me), however, was his interviewers asking for his feedback after the interview ended. Classic radical transparency.

He asked me for some advice- I told him what my old boss Alex Wang told me: Have a backbone. Your life is not your firm's, don't let them screw you over as they please. Otherwise, do a banger job and all will be fine.

Congrats Marco! I'm sure you'll do more than just fine there. And thank you, not only for picking up the tab, but for valuing my advice and sharing your journey with me. I pray for your success, and I can't wait to hear more about your career there!