Day 83 - Acquaint

Happy new years (:

2012 signifies the start of my last quarter of adventure in Singapore. Just a day ago, I visited Catholic Junior College Hostel, where my younger brother is currently residing in.. I examined my first two years of living there, and reflected how a year in Raffles Institution has changed me.

Now, who am I? What does 'me' refer to? All attempts to describe and contextualize 'me' is akin to an asymptote. They are all close approximations. But wait. How close? If someone knows me well, and even myself making a claim thereof, those would only apply to my exterior shell..

The same reasoning applies to you, my dear readers. Never acquiesce to words, for they are never apt and befitting. Instead of trying to write long narrative essays, learn to see within, far beyond deceptions. Cast aside all pretenses, and see who you really are. Few are so developed and thus wise to harbor such privileges.. If you don't, why not make it a new year resolution?

I promise, it pays to discover yourself, and rediscover it over and over again. You won't regret it. Good luck :)

Truly Indonesia's finest,

Indonesia Day Finale / Back to Singapore

Well, holiday went into a quicksand. :'(

I have finally acquiesced to the fate that Year 6 is nascent, brimming with a lot of challenges (and a lot of fun, hopefully). Let me tell a final tale from Indonesia, as I pensively gaze across the ship-laden waters marrying Batam and Singapore.

Born, raised, and breathed urban areas for 18 years of my life (and counting..) I take immense pleasure of viewing rural scenery. Singapore, sorry to say, lacks such places, and thus I begged my parents to allow me travel out of town as much as possible during my 12 days of Indonesia. (Jakarta isn't green either..)

So I went to a few places out of town, namely Bogor, Bandung, and Puncak. Other than being considerably greener, cooler, and rustic compared with Jakarta, another common theme binds these places together. Congestion. In ascending order. Well, it was high-season, but the distance that could have been traveled in an hour took more than 3 hours to complete, including a complete half an hour halt as the roads to Puncak were momentarily closed. I napped throughout the journey to repay my sleep debts, though, so it's fine :)

Only in Indonesia you can pay the police to escort you through the traffic congestion. Only there you can find lots of people standing in the middle of the road selling stuff, and even offering services to direct your car through a 'hidden passage' to circumvent the congestion. Only in my beloved country you can become a boss with two thousand rupiahs (equivalent to roughly 0.2SGD). How? Give the money to the guy in the parking lot. He will shout: "makasih bos!" (thank you, boss) hehehe

As such, I was much delighted to discover that Batam is actually congestion-free and is exquisitely natural. An hour plus of ferry ride from Singapore, the relatively developed rural town is a haven for seafood. My last Indonesian meal and drink was really worth it, probably someday I might have the privilege to tour around the town with my Singaporean friends. That's all for today, folks, see you around :)

Truly Indonesia's finest,

Indonesia Day 7 - High Level Delusion

"If I am the Master, would you like to be my Margarita?"

So far, life here has been surreal. I used to try and take charge of things I plan to do. Now I simply flow along the river.. 

Oh.. Remind me of those glorious days.. Those days were never free from sorrow, but my thoughts were free. A dim ray was nascent, penetrating through the tunnel.

How nice would it be, to be back in your arms.. To never part with the things you love.. To never get out of earth, to remain deluded, blissfully asleep in ignorance.

Allow me to pretend that the day never came, and the metropolitan never were..

Alas, she came to me, and woke me up..

"This is how one pays for lying," she said, "and I don't want to lie anymore. I'd stay with you right now, but I'd rather not do it that way..." and she parted.

I leaped off my bed. She was never mine.. I was there, but I've left..

Allow me to go back to sleep.. At least for five more days.. 

Before I have to face the reality that, I was never there all along..

Truly Indonesia's Finest,

with accolades to Mikhail Bulgakov for his masterpiece.

Ah, Merry Christmas everyone (:

Indonesia Day 1 - Livin' Like a Boss

Life rocks.

why?

Indonesia. Nuff said.

Okay, so the post title is somewhat misleading, because I came to Jakarta at Saturday evening instead of Sunday. Finally. After being deprived of my homeland for six months straight, being back feels like a fish swimming in the ocean.

For starters, allow me to share what I have done so far. Reached home at 2230ish (Jakarta time) and talked to my parents. About midnight, they sent me off to sleep, and then I talked to my sister until 230am ish. Woke up at 9am the next day, drank green tea, bought giant green coconuts for Rp 7000 (approx 1 SGD) each, and went for a buffet at Shangri-La hotel. They have almost everything you could have asked for, crabs, prawns, sushi, creme brulee, and even gorgonzola cheese topped with pine nuts. In short, it has the spread of Singapore's The Line Cafe, but only costs about 20SGD approx per person. Life's good :)

Went to my dad's office afterwards. After seeing enough of his plantations, my parents made me drive the car. It felt... good.. I guess it's a guy thing, but being behind the wheels offers you a sense of excitement and relaxation synchronously. As I cruise slowly along the smooth roads of the region, lush with trees and rustic surroundings, I felt at home. Time slowed down. This is paradise. Living like a boss.

Not for long, though.

We went back home, and my dad made me drive through a small alleyway, where pedestrians compete with motorcycles and buses to jostle their way through in the quickest manner possible. On a lane meant only for a single car, I saw another car opposing mine head-on. The driver gave way, but refused to minimize the space between his car and the nearby wall. Being a newbie driver, I forced my way through, only to have the two cars' side mirrors to collide against each other. Fortunately the other guy didn't get angry, and well, my dad didn't give a damn either. :P

Some other thoughts.. What is the best way to serve revenge? If someone is angry at you, insults you, abuses you with harsh words, never ever scold them back. Never oppose them. Instead, forgive them. Use kind words. Offer hugs. The other party expects you to be angry, to be sad, and rejoices if you do. Thank them, for they train you, for they actually care about you.

Keep your mind at peace. Hugs :)

Truly Indonesia's Finest,

Day 65 - Calibration

Here I am, sitting alone in my lab, at the second last day in the National Metrology Center.

The Executive Director had just treated us Lim Seng Lee duck rice for lunch, and my lab-partners went back immediately afterwards. Me? I took my time to complete the reflection forms, and among all things, contemplated my past five weeks in this institution.

I know that this place isn't the most fantastic place on earth, and some days I even loathe having to come here, but somehow I feel kinda sad leaving this place. I will miss the labyrinth feel of the place. The frigid air-conditioning. The esoteric machines that seem capable to animate and turn into Optimus Prime the moment you look away. The awkward times when I pretend to understand whatever my mentor has just explained. The stupid conversations with my research mates. The futile hope of waiting a certain whatsapp reply, checking my phone every other second..

I really learned a lot in this institution. My mentor is very nice, but unfortunately she is often on leave, so that we had little chance to get to know her better. The team of scientists are also emphasizing on getting first-hand knowledge of working experience, not only augmenting our forefront knowledge and research skills. Even though I had regrets of not being able to actually improve or enhance a technology, I learned a lot. Working skills. Attitudes. Communication. Patience. Initiative. Relationship skills. How to distinguish signal from noise (both literally and figuratively). Most importantly, life lessons.

However, I must admit, whatever I write will not do justice to what I've gained from this period of attachment. So here I am, contemplating what I could've achieved and what I'd like to do in the remaining 10 hours in this institution, while listening to this song 'Pemuja Rahasia' (Secret Admirer) by Sheila on 7. For my Indonesian readers, I know its a 2007 song, but if you listen to it, you'll appreciate the lyrics. Another song that rings true to my life, but oh well :') sometimes you have to bleed just to know that you're alive..

Anyway, thank you NMC.

Forever yours truly,

Day 62 - Nom Nom Nom

Hey!
1. I like to eat =3
2. I associate good food with good memories :)

To be honest, the early days of SJI were hellish. A school full of guys. Foreigners. I don't get them. Boring.
Time passed uber slowly, had nothing to look forward to. I missed Anastasia. Why I came to Singapore to study, I didn't know. So what kept me going, you may ask?

Well, obviously it is my great saviour, the bell who rang to indicate recess. The great Josephian dash to the canteen ensued, where energetic young men jostled their way through stairs and corridors to be the first person lining up.

Without fail, there is looooooooooooooong queue (much longer than the word itself) in between stall number 5 (western stall) and stall number 7 (packet rice). Also without fail, the queue will move very fast: The Malay stall, which has, on average, one-third of the stall's queue length, serves the populace within the same period of time.

This is the one and only, the best ever --- Chinese Mix Rice Stall!!!

I really have lots of fond memories buying food from the stall. Starting from the Auntie and Uncle's amicable smiles, their cheap but AWESOME food (omg I still remember the prices even until today, its 70 cents for meat, 40 cents for veg), and the free 'jia fan' (add rice). The scholars are notorious for spamming the free rice buffet... In my time, if you see a person carrying a purple/green plate piled up with a mountain of white rice and a lava of curry gravy, the bloody pig is likely to be a scholar. :p

The food is damn worth it and damn good, I had periods of time eating from the same stall everyday and not feeling bored at all. After eating from that stall, I never buy any Chinese Mix Rice in outside hawker centers, for SJI's CMR is second to none. I also augmented my poor Mandarin through speaking with them, naming shrimp-paste chicken 'har cheong kai' and honey pork 'wang kee pok' (don't ask me about the latter one, its the name the guy gave hahaha)

So why the sudden nostalgia?

Today, I went to Chinatown to eat lunch with my friend from TJC. He was my ex-classmate in SJI, and he informed me that the CMR auntie is selling food in the Chinatown's foodcourt. So we went there, queued up, and much to my astonishment, she REMEMBERED me. :') Not only that, she gave me and my friend a discount, so we happily carried our food back to our seats and started savouring the nostalgic taste of 'wang kee pok'. The best part: She came to our table and asked us 'Ni yao he shui ma?' We shook our heads, not knowing what to expect. A few minutes later came an uncle bringing two glasses of sugarcane juice! 'These are from the auntie!', the old man said. Oh my goodness.. She is so kind... :')

So after we finished eating we went up to the auntie and thanked her for her kindness. She still has the amicable smile and laughter adorned on her face.. Now, I know fellow Josephians will murder me for this, but what I miss from SJI the most is.. The Chinese Mix Rice Stall!

Long live, auntie, uncle.. Even though you'll never read this blog, today's post is dedicated to glorify you and your awesome stall.. I may have graduated from SJI, but in my heart (and my stomach), I never graduate from SJI's Chinese Mix Rice stall.. :') Thank you for all the nutrients you provided me, I would have been a lot slimmer (and much more miserable!) if not for your stall.. Most of all, thank you for giving me something to look forward to, a reason to come to school everyday.. hehehe..

Forever yours truly,

Day 59 - Boxes

So today I went to Kinokuniya with a tour-guide, a friend who declares that the bookshop is her home, someone who probably knows the place better than the working staffs themselves. I think they should hire her.

She's truly a book connoisseur, with a discerning ability to tell the exact location of book titles, whether a book's cover would last long, and whether its spine would crease easily when it is being read. She is somehow able to memorize the different publishers and editions of the books, some which she calls the 'miskin' (poor) edition which has certain font sizes and paper quality, or the rich edition which is bulky but friendly to the eyes. She also knows which translators best do their job in conveying the classics to the modern readers, and she impassionately stopped me from buying a Russian classic as she told me that the interpreter of the book didn't do a good job.

Anyway, I shall not disclose what books she recommended to me, and which books I finally bought, but I guess I'll take a lifetime to finish them. (haha and I convinced my friend that I'll somehow finish the books before next year starts.. but oh well, I'm just a normal student equipped with enough homework to keep me busy :p)

What's interesting would be our discussion in the midst of shopping. For her, a person's world view and the way of thinking is akin to a box. She reads more books to explore other people's boxes, and as she accumulates more boxes, she is able to expand her box as well. As a reader, I am very pragmatic. I only read things that would generate value, as I believe in the philosophy of 'it's not what you read, but it's what you make out of it'. When I asked her what tangible value she gained from reading, a 'broader perspective' was her reply. I guess I have been too dogmatized into the Singapore's culture, whatever I do I read I eat I breathe must have a practical value. Thence, I took a plunge, buying a few books that I'd never touch otherwise, in an attempt to start my own empire of boxes.

Lastly, I shall reminisce her profound remarks about her Singaporean friends. She admires how her friends are very efficient, able to complete the tasks given in a very fast manner. However, she pities those without a rich personal life, 'a hobby', as she claims that her friends mindlessly take whatever the school gives and then they climb to the top of the system. I sighed, and told her that these kinds of people would not last long in Indonesia. They have to learn how to think for themselves. So Singapore is indeed, a haven to some. I guess I'll have to remind myself often as well. :)

Forever yours truly,

Day 55 - Superimposition

Hi friend, allow me to be a nerd and describe our relationship in terms of waves :>

We are akin to two discrete yet coherent waves, possessing the same wavelength and frequency. Whenever we meet, we undergo the principle of superposition --- but the anomaly would be how we superimpose. If you see me down, hurt, or troubled, you'll deliberately be out of phase with me, causing destructive interference that cancels out all the negative amplitudes. On the contrary, thank you for always being in phase with me whenever I'm happy, cheerful, and glad by supporting my happiness. You cause constructive interference, which would amplify all the positive amplitudes :)

Through my research at NMC, I have discovered that in order to characterize the properties of an unknown wave, it is necessary to superimpose it with another wave of a similar frequency and wavelength. When the two waves interfere, the interaction between the two waves allows meaningful information about them to be captured and analyzed.

For some reason, I find this process analogous to our friendship. Through my interaction with you, I discover myself. I realize my own shortcomings, and I admire the way you handle yours as well. Of course, the motivation that you spark upon me is of the paramount importance, for it pushes me to strive for the better. Finally, talking and meeting you always gives me the "everything is going to be alright" feeling. Thank you. I hope you've discovered something through our conversations as well :') Shall love you always. Please have confidence, for you continue to be my inspiration. :)

Forever yours truly,

Day 51 - Things That Money Can't Buy

Drown in the mercilessly ticking clock, we tend to overlook things around us that give meaning to life. I plead guilty to conforming to these endless streams as well, for these past few weeks I have been immersed in SATS preparation. Thus, it wasn't surprising that I felt rather void upon finishing the SATS test yesterday..

I lost those little wonders, those that keep your life going.

But again, you are talking to the luckiest person on earth here :) I attended a volunteer appreciation dinner yesterday, where I met my fellow Beyond Social Services Volunteers. Had a great time discussing about girls with Isaac, and teasing (and bullying hoho) my senior Clarice :D

I also went around and interacted with some of the beneficiaries' families that were present there. Sigh.. One of my cute child is going to move house next year, thus last night might be my last time seeing her.. I spoke to her dad, mom, and siblings. It was very funny when I started talking Malay to them, as I looked very Chinese. They figured something was wrong, and gave me the "ahh,, Indonesian.." face. hehehe.

Anyway, the dad was apparently an Indonesian as well, and he told me interesting stories about Bahasa languages. He even knew the Indonesian old spelling, where 'j' would be spelled as 'dj' and 'u' as 'oe' :) Moreover, he really touched me when he said that my smile brought him happiness :') He told me that my kind of face makes other people happy, the kind of face which is 'murah rezeki' (prosperity). Volunteers do not get paid, nor do they get praised often. But if, if we made another's life a tiny speck happier, we would value it more than being paid in truckloads of gold. These things are wonders that money can't buy.

My night ended with my senior persuading me to follow the path of a social worker, and some RC volunteers approaching us and telling us awesome jokes :D I went home with a high note, with a smile on my face. I know that I should not count on their thanks and appreciation to fuel my motivation for volunteering, but those smiles and gratitude from the families totally made my day. They made me realize that whatever I am doing isn't in vain, that I am touching their lives, that I am actually of some use, that I am actually worth something. Thanks :')

PS: Another life's joy would be 'drugging' other people (read: buying a person their maiden 'koi' drink) :D
I met my brother and his friends for lunch today, and afterward, I decided to 'drug' one of the juniors with Koi's Ovaltine Machiato. He was trying his best to save money, but ultimately I persuaded him to buy the drink. He slit open the cup, drank a mouthful, and stoned for seconds. I was worried (what if he didn't like the drink?) "Is it too sweet for you?"

He regained consciousness, stared at me, and simply said the drink was "awesome". His expression was priceless. He gobbled down the rest of the drink, and finished the whole cup in less than a minute. Priceless. The F yeah feeling of 'drugging' someone. I think Koi has another addict ;)

Forever yours truly,

Day 46 - The Day I Ate Duck

[warning: complaints ahead.] These were thoughts from ages ago; however, I had qualms with  Singapore because there is always a lot of pressure to overcommit. To do more than you are expected to do. In fact, whatever commitments you are having, there will be definitely someone out there busier than you. Of course, the greatest pressure comes from your friends. You are blessed if you have relaxed friends who have spare time to hang out with you and have fun! People around me? They are busy as hell. So my reasoning was, if I don't have anyone to hang out with, I am free, and hence, why not uptake more commitments? So I did, and I became one of them. I voluntarily partook in the rat race. I embraced the hectic culture and immersed myself in a lot of stress and pressure.

Anyway, sorry for the agitated-sounding abstract. Today I had the chance to go for a dinner with a circle of my friends, who are usually 'busy as hell'. (They are, in fact, still busy, with one of them just getting back to Singapore and another leaving Singapore the day thereafter.) Well, when you are busy, you don't put a lot of thought in trivial things, so they gladly obliged to my decision of eating at the duck stall near Haw Par Villa :) I am not sure if they liked it, but they definitely ate a lot! It was a funny and enjoyable reunion, and to borrow a Singaporean slang, we took turns to 'suan' each other. [suan: to embarrass]

Too bad we were too tired to think of any decent activities to do after dinner, thence we parted ways and got back home although the night was still young. Considering how difficult it is to get them together like this, I am very thankful for the dinner, and I believe times like these are times well spent. Yes, I have to enjoy my remaining happy days before hell starts next year. Anyway, hope to see you all again~

Forever yours truly,

Day 39 - Scoop

Trust your instincts.

So today is the second day, second week of my research attachment at the National Metrology Center. It was another typical day, having a warm exterior but cloudy inside. Research went fine, too, we started to actually utilize the Oscilloscope to study the wavelengths and phase noises of the laser beams detectable due to interference, while trying to utilize Fourier transformation to actually acquire proper data. (okay I really have to stop using technical terms..) The device was enigmatic. I couldn't understand what was on display, and how I was supposed to interpret the data. It was after lunch, and my mentor suddenly announced that she has to attend a meeting for the next three hours.

Seeking a refuge from the bombardment of esoteric knowledge, I decided to ask if I would be allowed to attend the meeting. She was momentarily perplexed, but she gave her consent. The meeting was the best thing ever.

Yes, yes. The contents they went through bore no relevance whatsoever to me. Notwithstanding, I paid full attention, laughed whenever they joked, and asked questions. In between breaks, I talked to people. I smiled, asked questions, they gave me insights. I was told to utilize whatever opportunity I have as an 'intern', and that leading an academic life is surprisingly satisfying. After the respite, I attended a 2 days worth of property rights crash course condensed into two hours.

The stories brought forward remind me that business is an inevitable part of science, and politics is an inevitable part of business. The talk was intellectually satisfying. I forgot whatever I was facing with, and was entertained by epic tales of how firms buy technologies to maintain power by censoring scientists and how the agency organization had some patents issues with Japanese companies but issued the licenses to the local companies nonetheless.

I learned to be driven. To be observant. To be able to communicate well. To have a purpose. To be creative. (a scientist can invent anything by theory. creativity is required in its application, to give the technology a value.)

How do you communicate well? Through action-packed information. The information you convey must be executable, giving value to it. For example, citing the lecturer, a scientist may tell his boss that the European market is crumbling. This information is of little significance. Instead, he must tell his boss that since the market is collapsing, the boss must quickly approve his projects and sell it to the European buyers before the decline in demand ensues. Fantastic, sold.

The lecture ended, and I went back to the laboratory, analyzing sinusoidal waves that oscillated and permeated gleefully through the liquid crystal display, as if mocking my somber craving of a particular woman. And the research continues...

Forever yours truly,

Day 35 - Attache

Today is the fifth day of my research attachment at the National Metrology Center. Haha, I'm getting used to the winding passages of the place, the chilling air-con of the room, and the retro-styled toilet. Everywhere around me are people with very specialized knowledge of their fields of study. Well, we expect such researchers to be super serious and strict, but my experience proved the contrary, especially as they became very enthusiastic about their fruits day (the students attached get free fruits!) and were very excited of their 'hiking' event (read: brisk-walking around the Kent Ridge park). I guess they are human beings in the end..

Anyway, currently I am still at my 'studying phase', where I am expected to figure out the theories behind the planned experiments for research. Thus, I am deposited to a room for studying while my mentor goes for her work! It's a room with quantum clocks, the Singapore Standard Time (boasting the fact that it would miss a second after a hundred million years). Occasionally you hear phones ringing, and conversations in Mandarin would ensue. (yes, the place is China dominated)

So, for the past few days, I would come in the morning, pull out the theory papers, and attempt to read them. Then I would give up, look at the clock, and curse Singapore Standard Time for being so slow. One of my idiosyncrasies would be disturbing other people to prevent myself from going insane, but I would cause them to be insane instead. The poor victims would be my fellow students getting attached (there are two of them), and I hope that they won't be sent to the Singapore Asylum soon :)

Anyway, when the clock points 12:00, it's our lunch break, our salvation! So today I went to Fusionopolis to catch up with my Indonesian friends who are going through similar ordeals. It simply felt good to be united once more and update each other on our current lives, but not when you keep getting bullied! Sigh, probably I was being retarded when I told them that I like to try tapping my access card to every single room I come across, and the joy I felt when the screen reads 'access granted'. They were like: 'So is this how they teach you back then in your secondary school in Indonesia? Must be it!' Come on people, too smart for a retard right?

20 days left of attachment. 32 days left to Indonesia. I can do this..

Forever yours truly,

Day 28 - Pied Piper

It is sometimes amusing how life teaches you vital lessons unexpectedly. The pessimistic cites: 'a birthday celebration is one that rejoices the fact that you are one year closer to death.' What we all don't know is, of course, how close we are.

Taking a train to my cousin's house, I contemplated that I dealt with four stages of life in a single day today. A child, a teenager, an adult, and an elderly, with death sandwiching them. I started waking up as a teenager, interacted with the elderly, mingled with adults, back to a teenager again, and toyed with children, and finally saw a child so young that he can be considered as an infant. Seeing the bigger picture, I realized that we are all the same. All of us display emotions, we crave attention, and we enjoy good companionship. The only sheer difference between us are the vessels we are in... And the time we have left.

Thus I moved on to contemplate how fortuitous I am; I have the freedom to mobilize myself, to make my own decisions, to have a say. I do not depend on others to ensure my basic survival; I don't stagger to walk from place to place. I don't slur when I speak; I don't struggle to gain attention anymore. Yet I have been through those stage before, and in a blink of an eye I shall proceed to that stage again. Hence, allow me to take this time and thank today, and promise myself to utilize it to the fullest before time brings my demise.

Speaking about death,
Readers, let me ask you a question. What is the fragrance of death?

Without jocose, I proclaim that my CCA, interact club, is a heck awesome one. Under the seemingly cheerful facade of playing with the elderly, the staffs of my service center are actually covert investigators.

[after sending an elderly back to her HDB, who attended a party for senior citizens by SMRT]
"They say there's a smell in the 9th floor, let's go there"

[took the lift to the floor, staggered around, and the staffs started knocking random doors ferociously]
"Hello, is anyone living here? You ren zai ma?" [Why is their face stiffening?] [Door opened, an elderly replied with a shrill voice]

[The staffs bursted queries in Chinese about the whereabouts of her neighbors, whether anyone was around in the place. The author was unable to comprehend what they conversed]

"Are you able to smell it?" [Smell what? What is there to be smelled?]
[Who are you looking for, exactly?]

"Take a look at the electrical meters, see if a soul is still residing in these houses"
[The staffs continued banging every HDB doors they came across frantically, impetuously calling the residents there, while checking on the electrical meters]

"Probably [the smell] is from the other side"
[The staffs adjourned to the other side and haphazardly knocked doors with no particular reason, tracing if any shadow of life is present there. No response.]

...

"No, let's go back down. Doesn't smell good."
[We entered the lift. The staffs stammered]

"So did.. did.. you smell anything at all?"
"I hope.. they were mistaken. The smell.. would stain our sanity.. even after we left the place"
"You know.. it if you smell it, and if you.. smell it, you better.. pray."

[lift arrived safely downstairs]
"Ok, will do. You guys may take your leave... Forget everything we had done"
[Why the hell was the search terminated? What is exactly this thing were you guys looking for?]

[Your author was unable to comprehend the situation given the language barrier. His co-volunteer displayed a concoction of grim and fear on her face. There was a sense of urgency in whatever she is trying to whisper to the author.]

So readers, what do you think the smell is?

Forever yours truly,

Day 23 - Uno Amor

Hi readers! You might think I sound delusional, but I am here, right now, telling you that falling in love and not being loved back is actually awesome! (note: provided that you fall for the correct person)

Let me start by saying that I am a nerd, or a mugger (whichever you prefer) for a reason. When I first hit puberty, I realized that I am not handsome, nor do I possess a flair at sports. So I told myself, hey, you must study hard, and you must be nice! I sort of thought that no girl wants an ugly guy who is mean, stupid, and atrocious at sports. At least I can be a bit smarter and nicer than the others! So I worked my ass off, paid attention in classes, handed in my assignments and projects on time, and revised a bit harder for examinations than the rest. I also became very nice, smiled and laughed more often, offered listening ears and understanding to my friends (especially the pretty girls :D). However, much to my disappointment, my propensity to study and my zeal did not get me a date. It got me a scholarship to Singapore instead.

So, having learned my lesson, I fell in love with a girl, who is way out of my league and would never love me back, and let it be. Prima facie, I was depressed when I realized that she will never be mine, and that this feeling is not mutual. However, after undergoing a lot of reflection, I am very glad and thankful that I fell for this girl. She is the kind of girl who I can look back in ten years time and still be proud of falling for her, not the kind of girl you'd regret, or even be ashamed of falling for.

Moreover, there is a plethora of other benefits: I am usually reserved in front of girls, as I'm afraid that if I loosen up I would turn them off. However, now I do not care anymore, and thence I become more self-confident! I used to be nice, hoping that girls would be attracted. Now I can choose to be mean whenever I feel like it! I used to study so that people think that I am smart, now I study because I am interested in whatever I am studying. I deter unwanted girls from liking me, because I have someone in my mind; conversely girls who are afraid of me falling for them now do not -- allowing me to befriend more girls. Should I be attracted to another girl, I would have a high bar of expectations before falling for the girl, only the best would pass the filter. However, the best part is still having an awesome story of conquest to share to my closest friends :)

You may ask, won't liking a girl distract me from my studies? Well, she crept in my mind during the promotional examination period, but I still did fairly well :) Honestly, I became even more fired up in studying. Well, its the thing about Asian mindset, you see: The guy must be smarter than the girl he likes. And she is... intelligent. So all the more I had to do well! Thus, my good grades can actually be credited to her :)

Today, I am able to come in terms with the fact that I fell for this girl, and I will not feel guilty or depressed anymore. I finally see the light, the blessing in disguise for all this misery, and set myself free from the prison I created.

And.. If by any chance, you are reading this, allow me to apologize for loving you, and giving you so much trouble! I promise that I will say sorry to you properly someday.. Thanks for giving me the long-lost drive to rise up from my bed every morning, the curious pleasure of travelling around the school alone, hoping to 'accidentally' bump into you, and also the jolts that make my heart skips a beat or two :) Loving you have been a blast, and no, no need to love me back. Thank you for everything! :)

Forever yours truly,

Day 22 - Fracas

So I decided to eat at Toa Payoh, in a quest to remedy my boredom of Bishan food. After finishing my meal, I decided to buy some snacks in FairPrice. Having successfully grabbed my Belgian Dark Chocolate, I heard foreign noises blasted in cacophony. Three to four Indian men had a brawl near the cashier, and immediately a lot of shoppers rushed into the lane I was standing at, watching from a safe distance their "live entertainment" that does not occur so often in Singapore.

The scene reminds me of the issue of societies getting more and more apathetic. Two decades ago, there was a famous case of rape and murder of a woman in her 20s in New York City, with allegedly more than 20 people witnessing the event and none calling the police. Thankfully, a brave man wearing a FairPrice uniform stepped in and told them to stop fighting. The Indian men broke off to different directions, and Bangladesh was founded. (if you don't get the joke, try reading the country aloud :p) I continued shopping, and when I stepped out of the supermarket the Indian men were cornered by 7-8 uniformed officers, putting on stern looks on their faces. FairPrice saves the day :)

Anyway, look forward to the next post :)

Forever yours truly,

Day 15 - Côte d'Azur

Hi, to the female readers out there (if there is anyone reading in the first place), I am single and totally available. However, let me assure you that I would make a SUCKY (with a bold, italics, and underline for emphasis) boyfriend.

With impunity, I decided to text my primary school friend who is currently studying at NUS Bizad (WOW!) and asked her if she would be free for dinner. She was, and the two of us met at Clarke Quay this evening. The first and foremost mistake was not coming on time and making her wait for fifteen minutes. Moreover, we did not know what to eat, and I wasn't "man" enough to make any decision. I forced her to choose, and we settled for some random Japanese food. Lastly, I qualify for a PhD in inducing awkward moments, with all the random comments and stupid jokes. If dating were to be a subject examined in Singaporean schools, I would have definitely lost my scholarship. 

Mind you, however, that wasn't even a date. It was more akin to a reunion. Fortuitously, the ice seemed to be melting as the night progressed, as we shared more stories and laughed at our ubiquitous miseries. Anyway, life seemed to be stressful for her, too. She's not used to the Singapore's ways of living (and mugging), and a lot of commitments sapped her energy to study for her examinations. She's homesick, and she's lonely. Well, I told her, at least you cried for the right reasons. I shed my tears for a wrong reason, for a bleeding heart. And she laughed at me! At least she justified her meanness, as she told me that it's so fun to be in love. I beg to differ, especially when you are loving someone out of your league (and taken!) but at least I'm happy that my plight can cheer up others :D

So we finished our haphazard dinner, and walked around the Riveria (and hence the title of this blog post) and sat down on the steps leading to the quay. It was a reminiscence of our past. Around four and a half years ago we were touring the same place, when we went for a student exchange programme with Singaporean schools. I had vague yet warm memories about the place, as the smile of my first crush has not eluded my memory, probably being bounded by the gargantuan, retro umbrella-like structures towering the place. We talked, and time flew. I had to say goodbye.

Well, I may not the most awesome guy to hang out with, but I hope you had a good time :)

Good luck for your upcoming end-of-year examinations, and hope that you will survive Singapore,

and fall in love with someone (because you said that it's fun to be in love!!)

Forever yours truly,

Day 14 - a feast and a farewell

Exactly 8 months ago, I had an extremely difficult time sleeping.

We were waiting for the results of the JC postings, and for some reason, I was extremely nervous. I was sad, too, knowing that I am to be separated from my SJIIJ friends. I loved them too much, man. I mean, the first two years of Singapore is not easy, and not only I seek comfort from them, they are literally my life. When you are staying in a hostel with a daily curfew of six pm barring Saturdays, it rocks to be certain that you have all the entertainment you ever need within a stone's throw. Help was never far away, loneliness was seldom. I became too comfortable.

By 0500hrs I gave up all attempts of sleeping, went to Parry Hall's extensive dining table and saw my friends experiencing the same problem. We were nervously chattering away, attempting to kill time, before the text message that dictates our lives in the next two years arrive. Suddenly, one of my friends' phone gave a beep. 'ACJC!' exclaimed her. More phones began to beep, and by 0700hrs the dining hall was bustling with a concoction of emotions. Mine beeped, at last. '(name here) (NRIC here) has been posted into Raffles Institution'. In the end, only the two of us were going to RI. I suddenly felt very lonely.

I moved to Raffles the very same day. Eyeing the boarding school with awe and uncertainty, I thought to myself: 'So this is Singapore's premiere college'.

Life was stressful. Had my comfort zone stripped off, with some not-so-forthcoming Singaporeans and completely-alien-environment replacing them. I knew very little people here, even the Indonesians.

The first formal dinner I attended here would be the Chinese New Year formal dinner. That was when I first met my Indonesian seniors, a somewhat warming feeling, the 'someone-will-be-guiding-you' feeling. They were very much different from me. They came from different parts of Indonesia, with their own distinct dialects and cultures.

Yet, I cannot believe that today would be my last formal dinner together with them. They will be taking their A levels in less than two weeks time, going to hopefully a better place afterward. They've done a lot, too. One gave us tips to survive JC and keeps reminding us to study hard. Another shared hot and juicy gossips. The third and the fourth one filled our dinners with laughter. The fifth one simply laughed. But they all made a difference.

Impermanence is permanent. I will be donning the term 'senior' next year too, and I have big shoes to fill. Thank you for everything, my seniors.

I wish all of you the best, and only the best, for the upcoming A Levels.

Auspicium Melioris Aevi
Forever yours truly,

Day Ten - Interim

Life is amusing. Join me to laugh at it.

After what I have been through yesterday, I thought I would simply 'die' today, which was proven otherwise. I guess I still appear pretty much normal, and people won't take my words if I tell them 'I am emo.' My friends were like, 'You emo meh? You always look happy!' Well on one side, I am thankful of my facade. I used to be a crybaby a few years ago. My dad never failed to scold me whenever I cried, that's why now I turn dry. I couldn't cry when I need to cry the most. When my best friends were crying in the graduation party. When my princess shared her problems with me, and cried. The glob of water never trickled down. I find myself insincere.

Well, moving on, life is indeed funny. When you are looking for someone, you won't find them. Conversely, you will stumble upon someone who you are avoiding. Today is an epitome of the truth behind this paradoxical logic. On my way to my PE lesson, I told my good friend that I was avoiding someone, so I asked him to change the route. It so happened that my good friend, after changing the route, stumbled the very person I am avoiding. Adding emphasis, he asked me: 'hey, isn't that the girl we met previously? Why didn't you say hi to her?' I was mind-blown... hopefully she did not notice.

My apologies for sounding so somber and cynical. I fell down somewhere, and refused to be picked up, especially by the very person who pushed me down. I shall pick myself up soon, dust myself off, and find my new equilibrium. At least I am kind of sober.. So please look forward to brighter stories in the future! :)

Forever yours truly,

Day 9 - Pensieve

Today I shall cut it short as I'm recovering physically from flu (and also emotionally (: )

Along the journey of life, I stumbled the saying somewhere: 'Better than an ugly truth, are three beautiful lies'. Being a devout Buddhist, the fourth precept I took ensures that I abstain from telling a lie. However, let me confess, that today, I told three beautiful lies. I did this not only to cover an ugly truth, but to also protect my friends' feelings, at the expense of mine. Well, shall I proceed to defend myself? Everyone can tell the truth. Everyone can pour out their emotions. I chose to be a coward, and withheld my feelings, and with that, the truth. 

The problem with lying, is of course that in the future, you won't be able to fully trust that person again. You ask yourself: 'is that person telling the truth?' Well, I'd like my friends to question me like that in the future, for I am sometimes unsure if I am telling the truth. However, for now, let me say I am sorry, dear friend. Am I writing lies on my own blog? You decide :)

Let these tears make me grow stronger.

Forever yours truly,

Day 3 - Satisficing Altruism

If you are about to be stripped of everything you have but of one thing, what would you cling on tightly to? There are limitless answers possibly given. However, instead of rushing to answer the question, I believe it might be helpful to question the very reason of your existence. Why the hell was I born? What keeps me going up from my bed every morning? Again, there are limitless answers. Allow me to force-feed you with mine (since you chose to read this blog anyway ;p ). What matters to me is that I make a difference. Somehow. If whether you exist or not doesn't make a difference, why bother existing? Moreover, while you are into making a difference, why not make a positive and long lasting one?

So now you ask, what is this one thing that allows me to make a difference? What is this one thing that I need to cling onto, forsaking other more valuable things? Well, allow me to offer one version of the answer I found today. I attended a social entrepreneurship for youth conference at the School of Thought, a social enterprise entity which features a 'civic education disguised tuition center'. We screened a movie of M Yunus, a Nobel peace prize laureate who innovated a chain of self-sustaining micro credit financing systems that broke the Bangladeshi's poverty cycle and improved their quality of life greatly. The session continued with a sharing by three outstanding social entrepreneurs of Singapore, and ended with enriching Q&A.

Well, yes, the answer is largely expected. What they have in common is passion! And with the passion comes along the ideals that compelled them to be creative and innovative, the courage that braced them through harsh times, and the conviction that realizes their visions. A drop of passion at a time, if well-directed and sustained, would  be a drive, strengthens you, and really opens door of opportunities! And, if I may add on, 'the best time is now!' Do not live a 'deferred life plan': telling yourself that you would do a lot of good things once you retire, own a mansion, etc etc. It would be too late then. 

I can imagine the skeptics saying: 'It is very fortunate for the people who have found their passion. I am afraid I have none, or no long-lasting passion.' At this juncture, allow me to address this concern. I believe some people confuse the cause and effect. They believe that you excel at one area because you like it, not the other way around. Conversely, why not try to excel in whatever you are doing now, and let yourself fall in love with it? In other words, be damn good in whatever you are doing, so that others cannot ignore you. You will suddenly realize that you have the passion for it!

Allow me to add a story I heard at the conference to lighten up the mood. The speaker used to stay at NUS boarding, and he would stay up late and be hungry at 3AM! Only Mac Donald's would be available during such hours, and it would take a long time to arrive and costs quite a sum too. So they decided to start a business, by buying hawker center food which is 15 minutes away from the boarding, and selling them to the boarders for convenience for a nominal profit. They made their first fifty cents by walking back and forth. Then it changed to running. Then running won't suffice, they asked someone to cycle there. Then cycling too, does not suffice. The delivery guy for Mac Donald's lost his job, and worked for them instead. The motorcycle did not suffice, too. The hawker center uncle delivered the meals through his van. This is how a business started, and prospered. However, it is interesting to note that initially, everyone was telling him that his idea is absurd. In the end, the same people thanked him for providing convenience, making him feel great as he contributed to his community... with a spark of passion (and inconvenience)!

To end off, allow me to share an advice given by another speaker of the event. Smile. Talk to people. Expose yourself to different experiences. Get your hands dirty.

Have a good time unfolding your own myth!

Forever yours truly,

Day 2 - Memorial

Let me make a confession. I am a Facebook addict. And on Facebook, you stalk people. Oh yes. The hot chick who popped out of nowhere, walking seductively in front of your classroom? No problem. Look, I even found your grandmother on Facebook! So what's the real deal? I was stalking a friend of mine who became a first-aider in an event I organized. Well, she told me that she was from MGS, and I'm like: "Oh I know this girl from MGS too! Her name is mm but she might not remember me though!"

So mm happened to wall my friend, and the first-aider told her that she met this guy called Domo! Does mm remember me? "Who? Domo? Whodomo? Hmm I don't really remember him.. oh my gosh I feel bad :/" Well, I'd like to say my heart sank... not. Haha. I talked to mm for five seconds in 2009's ASEAN Dance! Well yeah, its kinda difficult to forget someone who's quite a sight.. On the other hand, me? Probably I'm just like any other guy who hits on her frequently! Much fluffier, though :D

So what's the moral of the story? If you want to make an impression, be physically charming! If you are not, go have a plastic surgery! Hold your guns, I know you are judging me as a superficial person. But hey, majority of people are visual creatures. Ask them to visualize Roti Prata and they will picture a crisp-brown dough of flour spilled with curry all over, not a caps-lock Helvetica fonted R-O-T-I P-R-A-T-A!

Moving on, I am.. very difficult to understand! On one hand, I am notorious for being a BLUR-king infused with triple doses of amnesia in remembering people's names, much less aware of who they actually are. My Moor Tarbet house captain knew me well before I even know him. After he spoke to me about some house related issues, I turned to my friend and asked: "dude, do you know who that guy was?" and he's like: "its your house captain you fluffing retard!" Awesome.. Let's hope I recognize my boss' name in the future (or be my own boss :D)

On the other hand, forgetting my crush took me a lifetime. Dammit. What does it take to forget someone? Or being more precise, what does it take to forget a girl? Simple. Another girl. And the hunt continues..

Forever yours truly,

Day 1 - Rendezvous

As you study overseas, you get to 'lose' yourself and rediscover a new identity afterwards. The new people you meet, the different jokes, smiles, pet peeves, and even tears would rock and dazzle whatever you have deep inside. Of course, it is foolish to cling on so much onto your haven, to your past. Embrace the change, or so they say. But yeah, imagine waking up and looking at a WAAAAY different figure on the mirror. And this is the freakin' feeling I get for the past few months in Raffles.

Anyway, one of the things you do to reminiscence your old figure is to talk to an old friend. The friend who knows you well, and in my case, who went to the same junior high school in Indonesia. Well, I've had limited options: only the four of us are stuck in Singapore, and this guy is completing his IB course in less than two months. :'(

He radiates of a professor, yet yields an adventurous spirit. I think it is common practice for us to at least talk about our studies (we usually compare A Levels and IB) and our future.. He is so wise and proper - like the guy who everyone knows will top the school and be the model student. However, he is precisely the same guy (and the first one ever) who told me to go for a girl (who has a boyfriend!) and worry less for the future!

Shall heed to his advice! >:)

Anyway, thank you so much, Peter :) It's been a blast hanging out with you. I'm thankful that we were in the same bus, and although you'll alight sooner than me, hope we can take the same bus again in the future :')

On a side note, we ate awesome Indonesian chicken noodles as our dinner at JTown, a restaurant opposite Somerset 313! Too bad they refunded our Martabak (a delish indonesian pancake!) as they claimed that the pancake didn't expand properly. Till next time, then >:)

Forever yours truly,

Day Zero - Rising from the Cradle

Isak Dinesen once mentioned: 'To be a person is to have a story to tell'. This blog was created without a grand purpose. However, I hope I can tell and recollect my stories through this medium: a step closer 'to be a person'. As such, I shall rise from my cradle, not to find a more comfortable one, but to actually stand up and tell a story.

Furthermore,

Nankurunaisa - an Okinawan term roughly translating as 'everything will be well in the end'. Without starting, there would be no end, thus everything won't be well. Hence, today's day zero is a commencement of a sanctuary of stories - a comfort for the troubled souls, a shelter for the fearful, and a good laugh for the bored - that everything will be well in the end.

Forever yours truly.