Portlandia

Hi readers, how have you all been?

I am on my Thanksgiving break now, and as per usual tradition, I am in a café while writing this blog post. No, I am not in Portlandia’s Portland (which refers to Oregon) but I am at the one in Maine.

I think life’s greatest luxury is paying three dollars for a delicious cup of black coffee and sitting around while pouring your thoughts into paper. Yep, you got it right, I drove off three hundred miles away from Amherst just to hide myself in a coffee shop and write.

This trip was inspired by my trip to Tahara in Japan. There, I learned that there is some value in isolating yourself, going somewhere far off, leaving a lot of things unplanned, and learn to live by the moment. I set off my journey looking for an answer, and although I don’t think I have found it yet, I feel I am somewhat closer to it.

Answer to what? Truth be told, I have been feeling a bit disoriented as of late. Whatever the cause may be, I know that it is all rooted in my attitude, not my external circumstances. If I am truly honest to myself, I am hard pressed to find instances where I am genuinely happy in the past month or so. I have been burying myself in the midst of schoolwork, books, and comics. There seemed to be something that I was avoiding, something that I did not want to face. Also, it’s not that I felt out of touch with my friends and social group – I had meaningful interactions and conversations with my friends, but I still couldn’t avoid the feeling that I was unplugged from my source.

Yet, how come is it, in the middle of Maine, in a city with thousands of unknown faces, in the midst of the shopping district and the hustle and bustle of cars and pedestrians, I find warmth?

When I put the first sip of coffee to my mouth, I was so grateful. I was so thankful to be alive, to be able to enjoy the citrusy, cherryish coffee. I was grateful to be able to stare out of the window, to stare at the passersby, and to enjoy the rows of shops across the street. I was grateful that, the long, winding road I took eventually took me here.

Thank you, Portland. Now I remember to smile, to laugh, to live, and to enjoy life.

A Quick Thought

Beloved Readers,

In the midst of some interviewing procs at the moment. Fortune actually smiled rather early this time, and I am really grateful for that. Thanks for all your prayers!

Just a quick reflection - something I picked up during my summer internship was that it pays to be transparent. "Radical Transparency" seems to be a concept practiced in Bridgewater, one of the largest hedge funds in the U.S., and was obviously carried over to my workplace by my superiors who used to worked there.

Transparency is described as how adults handle their issues and settle disputes or conflicts: Basing arguments on facts and logic instead of emotion. With the word transparent also comes the connotation of "bare it all" or "say it the way it is", and I often describe it as a "necessary slap in the face". I prided myself in having been exposed to it and vowed to practice it going forward: A frigid, logical way of handling things that is mature, efficient, and beneficial to both parties.

Looking from a distance, I admit I was wrong.

I was wrong for a number of reasons - and not only because there are instances where even the most educated people can meagerly reason with fact and logic, but I also learned the hard way that there is always an appropriate time and place to be transparent.

However, it always pays to be perceived as transparent.

-R

Fireworks

This is actually a post that is related to a larger theme of what I do in NYC on the weekends (since all I have been blogging about is work), but that post to come later, so that I actually remind myself to do it :)

It is Fourth of July, and I was invited by Nich and Rachel to have dinner at their place before going to their rooftop to watch fireworks by the East River. I am really grateful for the wonderful couple, and as we sat down and savored the wonderful spaghetti and tasting the exquisite Italian red wine from the vase-shaped decanter, I learned more about the couples' lives and careers. It struck me that I was given such a beautiful and wonderful opportunity to be in New York - to experience an authentic American experience that I would otherwise never will experience. The kinds of people I meet, the friends I hang out with, the conversations I have, all are quite different from what I am used to in Amherst - and I am really grateful.

When the clock strikes 9:30pm, we took the elevator to the rooftop, where Rachel celebrated her birthday just a few weeks ago. It was a majestic sight - probably only seven or eight blocks away from the river, and I could see the boats just propelling leviathan-sized blobs of fire. It was drizzling softly, which actually eased the crowd in the balcony and allowing us a better view of the fireworks.

As I saw the colorful flares fly up the sky, scatter, and die out, accompanied with crackles and booms for a full twenty minutes, it occurred to me that I am tremendously fortunate to have the opportunity to live in New York and experience my life here this summer. It occurred to me that it was worth every single effort that I took - captured somewhat in the post "Internship" - to be there, standing by the river, and watching the fires flicker majestically and die out.

The fireworks capture my summer pretty well - it starts with a bang, it is bright, flashy, and colorful, it is hot and it burns (which comes from the work that I am putting in and the friction that molds me as I encounter and learn to deal with people who are usually outside of my comfort zone), and it fades away in an instant (it's only for ten weeks). Words cannot express how much gratitude I was feeling when I saw those fireworks. Yes, it has not been an easy journey, but I have been really fortunate as I have been blessed with amazing people who are always there to support me, help me out, and guide me. And therefore I am grateful. The other great thing about fireworks that it reminds you how ephemeral life is - why am I wasting my time thinking negative thoughts, criticizing other people, worrying, or becoming anxious? It will all be over soon.

And yes - there is more to come. I have learned that when you are truly grateful, saying thank you is not enough, you have to show it. I resolve to show it by dedicating myself to my work, and learning to love every aspect of it. :)

The other thought I had was: As an intern, my attitude toward work has always been (and is going to be) yes, yes, and a yes. As I echo the language in my office, I would say: "Happy to do this/that for you." And this, despite how difficult or mundane the task is, or how tired or stressed I was, is what I strive for. It just struck me, that perhaps this is one of the easiest of accepting and loving life - to pretend that life is just your manager, giving you things to do. Because whatever good or bad things that happen to you, there is only one path forward that you can control, which is what you do. Are you doing something you have to do? Or are you avoiding it, complaining, cursing, so on and so forth? What if, for every single thing, task, or situation life gives me, I am able to smile and enthusiastically say: "Thank you for entrusting me with this opportunity/challenge/responsibility. I am happy to do this for You, Mr. Life." Of course, every now and then I will need a break, and that's fair, because nobody I have ever met works 24/7. But what an attitude to have!

Happy July, beloved readers.

Rufus

Femme Fatale

Readers,

This week, my very first girlfriend Vic came to NYC to participate in a training program for her summer internship. It didn't work out between us as we were both young and stupid (maybe we still are, not too sure), but because we had made amends, she reached out to me and we agreed to meet up and hang out over the weekend. Initially, the plan was only to take her out for a dinner (we ended up getting Indonesian food, which was great!) but we ended up doing other stuff too.

And we did have a lot of fun! Now, take your minds out of the gutter, por favor. While my buddies in the office were curious about the prospect of me hooking up with her, I think there is a sense of "best practices" that we mutually understood. I did flirt with her, I did touch her softly, but we knew that the ship was sailing nowhere. But we did, however, visit the Trump Tower, got pretty smashed in the HIMYM (How I Met Your Mother)'s bar, and watched a hilarious stand-up at Comedy Cellar.

I think I forgot what it felt like to have a lady treat you so well. Call me a fool, but I am so used to play the part of the f#@king gentleman, which makes me blind to the fact that a woman can treat me really well too. Don't get me wrong, I did try to be a gentleman for her in the past two nights. I successfully covered two out of the four bills (the last two she fought fiercely for), I made sure I dress up well, made sure she had enough water to drink (she was coughing), and walked her back to her place before going back to my own.

She was great, though. She was very respectful and kind when speaking with me, but she took my jokes well and responded in kind. She was really responsive and flexible when we tried making plans, and she was open about her preferences. There were no games. She showed up looking gorgeous (been a while since I had a lady dress up for me) and earlier than me, under the pretext of, in her own words, "just in case there is a line." She enjoyed and laughed hard at the stand-up, she consciously ate less when we ate together and made me eat more. She fought for the bill everytime. She made sure I texted her when I got back to my place safely. Never once she checked her phone when I was in her presence: She made sure to wait until I had to go to the bathroom or something.

Thank you, Vic. Really appreciate it. Our encounter opened my eyes, that actually there are women out there who are willing to put in the effort for me. That is really, really much appreciated.

Make no mistake, readers, I don't foresee any future between us. I am no longer the naive boy who I was, and I know that we're much better off being friends like the past weekend. Having said that, I really appreciated how she treated me as a man, and going forward, I resolve to dedicate my resources to other such ladies. She'll find a great guy!

-R

Davis, California; New York, New York

Hi readers,

Yes, yes, whew it's the end of May. I tell people I try to update my blog once every month, almost broke it this time round. Apologies, it has been a hectic time period: I finished my finals week in the middle of May, packed out and flew to Davis to stay with my two cousins for a week, and started my internship in New York the beginning of last week.

How is everything going? It's been going great. There is so much that happened and I have to get up for work at 7 am tomorrow so I'll have to keep it on the brief side, but first let me talk about my take-home exam. It was for a class called Computer Systems II, where I learn about kernels, operating systems, virtual machines, so on and so forth. It was a tough class, and despite the recommended two hours of the take-home, I probably spent closer to a combined of 10+ hours on it. I really enjoyed the class, however, because I remember reading somewhere that in this era, the successful people are: a) they who are the top on their fields b) they who have a lot of capital and c) they who understand complex machines. I feel that my undertaking with Systems II gets me a bit closer to being one of the c). I am talking about the kind of difficulty that is so difficult, but it's satisfying because it's so difficult.

Fast forward to Davis, where I spent the whole weeks with my two cousins and their two lovely corgis, and I tried setting up the balanced lifestyle (read: Finishing a whole bag of 1 pound of Kale in five days and going to the gym everyday) while trying my best to prepare for my summer internship and having fun with my two cousins. The week flew by, and then here I am, having finished five days of my summer internship with Atalaya. I am really grateful to be here in NYC and to have this wonderful internship. I tell my friends that the firm has all the perks of Wall Street minus the douchebagness; I work with really driven, brilliant, and type-A colleagues, but they and my supervisors are really patient and kind in teaching me the ropes.

My typical schedule goes like this: Wake up at 6:30 am, leave for work around 7, get to the office at 7:45 am, fix breakfast and start work proper. My coworkers would typically ask if I want lunch, I would walk with them to a nearby restaurant/salad place and would bring lunch back to eat in my desk. As per company's policy, if you work after 8 pm, you are entitled to order a delivery dinner, and therefore I usually get dinner around 7~7:30 pm, and leave office at around 9 pm. I reach my dorm at slightly before 10 pm, go to the gym, reply to my messages and e-mails, and head to bed slightly after 11 pm. Rinse and repeat from Monday to Friday! This is great for several reasons: 1) I still manage 7~ hours of sleep everyday 2) I enjoy the work, it's challenging and different for each different transactions 3) I enjoy my coworkers so much, if I had to be stuck with somebody for a long time, I'd rather be stuck with them 4) As an intern, I get paid generously, and the dinner policy helps me a lot 5) Free snacks and coffee in the office (read: Greek yogurt, nuts, fruits, hummus) further emphasizes #4 6) I still get to go to the gym 7) They barely touch my weekends. I just have to reply e-mails every now and then. 8) Because of #7, I have been meeting tons of wonderful people, exploring NYC, and hopefully see more stand up comedy shows!

On top of that, I am actually eligible to take a cab for free (booted by the company) if I leave the office after 9 pm, but I felt that I leave that late more due to me not being the most efficient yet, and I don't deserve that perk for now. Maybe if I have to leave by midnight or something, then I'll take advantage of it.

I am really grateful to my employer, and therefore I resolve to give it my all. I aspire to be of value to them as soon as possible. (So yes, my work is my girlfriend for now. I hope this answers your questions!)

I wish you peace and prosperity,

Rufus

On Love (Continued)

Dear beloved readers,

It's a nice Sunday here in Western Mass: The sun's out, I'm in the library and I have a lot to do, but why not carve out some time to give you all another update on my life.

I have been spending a lot of time these days developing my rituals, sharpening my skills, reaching out to new people, and secretly deepening my friendship with her (see the previous post). I think the rituals are paying off really well: As I consume more dark leafy greens, say more thank-yous, exercise and pray more often, I find life suddenly more fun, easier, and enjoyable. :) So yes, I have been fine, as always. Thanks for checking in!

I also have been doing a good job keeping myself in check in terms of my relationship with the aforementioned female friend. Between this and the previous blog post, we have spent a lot of time together, just the two of us or with other mutual friends, and throughout these pleasant interactions I have been trying to stay objective and neutral. I did not let my feelings and my lust take over (which is hard, because trust me, she's really beautiful!), and being a touchy-feely person myself, I successfully limited any physical contact with her. I am glad I did these, because having lust and physical motives creates expectations and attachments. And I feel that I am seeing more and more of the "real" her.

The story goes like this: Two summers ago, I met a wonderful guy from Williams College when I was studying mandarin in Beijing, and I thought that this dude would be a great fit for her. So earlier this semester, I took the liberty to introduce them to each other, and ever since that introduction, she has always been telling me that she is craving to meet the dude and really admires him so much. Therefore, I did what every good friend would do: On the past Friday afternoon, I drove her to Williams, set up a meeting with the three of us, and bailed out mid-way pretending to be working on a computer science project that was suddenly due that midnight.

She had a great time with him, and I joined my two friends at around 10 p.m., getting wings and coffee while buying a glass of beer for this dude as a 'token of apology' for 'ditching' him and my friend ;). Anyways, the three of us had a great conversation, and it was only around midnight my friend pointed out that I probably should be driving back to Amherst. My friend and I ended up reaching Amherst slightly past 2 a.m.!

Anyways, I am somehow in this stage where I feel that I have successfully killed my expectations, and just learning to be happy when she's happy. And that is great, because from my past relationship I painfully learned that I should never do nice things for anybody and then expecting reciprocity! And of course, I don't let anyone take advantage of me, too! I conclude that she's overall a great person, but I somehow no longer crave her presence that much. It's great to have her around, and I am really happy when she is really happy, but that's pretty much it. I do look forward to deepening my friendship with her, though.

Have a wonderful week ahead, readers!

-R

On Love

I find writing an invaluable way to organize my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. When I have the luxury of time, and am facing against a calamity of feelings, it really helps to sit down and write to straighten up my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

I have to first begin by saying that I am grateful, because right now, I am bombarded by a set of beautiful feelings and emotions. I think I am in love, or at the tipping point of it. However, as with every episode of love, there are some yeses and a bunch of nos involved, thus this entry can be seen as an attempt to convince myself to not start anything?

Different people have different ways of measuring the state 'being in love', just as different people attribute different things to success. For me, it's simple, really. Two biggest indicators (around 5% margin of error) would be 1) somebody whose presence I am really comfortable with and really enjoy, and who I crave for when the lady is not around. I miss her warmth. 2) somebody whose face would appear, and would be really difficult to shake off, when I shut my eyes just before I go to bed.

I drove her to eat in a Japanese restaurant in Northampton yesterday. As we happily chatted away in the midst of the commute, I asked my friend if she felt better as she bumped herself into a rack a few days ago (hahaha). I took a good look at her cheek to see if it had swollen, and as I focused and eased my gaze, all I can think of was just caressing that smooth, white skin of hers. I quickly averted my eyes back to the traffic, while realizing that a new threshold of attraction has just been crossed.

My last girlfriend was a superb, amazing one - she couldn't have set the bar higher. As I went along exploring new potential female partners, I would, consciously or subconsciously, compare the new girl with her. When reflecting, I would shut my eye, and it has always been the case that my ex would pop up into the image of my mind, instead of the new girl. I used this test to see how my friend scaled up, and to my amazement, I found myself slightly preferring her than my ex.

In Thinking, Fast and Slow, Kahneman chronicled two thinking systems, system 1 (fast) and system 2 (slow). System 1 responds on urges and intuition, it makes quick judgments and dictates most of our actions. Without system 1, our lives would come down to a slow grind (imagine having to deliberate if every chair is safe to sit on before sitting on it, except you extend that to every part of your life). However, system 2, the slow, meditative, but complex thinking system, allows us to tackle complexity and plan for the long-term, and without it, we wouldn't be really different from other animals in the jungle.

As such, this whole affair seems to me to be a battle between my system 1 and my system 2. My system 1 urges me to go with the flow of my feelings and emotions, while my system 2 acts as a handbrake, knowing very well that there are factors that might hurt both of us in the long-run if my system 1 runs rampant unchecked. I am living with her and some other close friends for the whole year in my senior year. I am also extremely certain that she is not romantically interested in me (although signaling might change that, but that's a separate discourse altogether). Therefore, it is the same hazard as pursuing romantic relationships with your close friends: Mess things up and you'll lose both a friend and a lover.

Every person has his or her own theme in life, similar issues that keep on recurring throughout their journey, and this interesting dilemma is probably one of mine. I let my system 1 triumph with my previous girlfriend, and perhaps this is an excellent chance, another shot, to make a different decision and see where it takes me. I did not regret making the decision last time (she was, and she still is, a wonderful woman and lover), and I have seen yesterday's event coming, miles and miles before, but for now I shall strive to deepen our friendship - making us even more comfortable with each other - and leaving it at that.

And in the event that the nonzero probability of you seeing this post procs, I just wanted to tell you that I am grateful that you are in my life right now. As we have discussed so many times, it is a wonderful feeling to be in love, and therefore I owe you because you have afforded me such a wonderful feeling. I really appreciate your softness, your ambitions, your thoughtfulness, but also, your smile and the beauty of its holder.

-R

Farewell, Brother

From you, I understand that

/

life is fragile.

you are in a better place.

you've lived your life fully.

\

Thank you for making all of us laugh with your stories and jokes, Stephanus. Beijing was the best four months of my life so far, and you definitely played a role in it. I pray that your journey will be a safe and a smooth-sailing one, all according to God's will.

Goodbye for now, but see you again.

R

Internship

It's a verbal offer, and I am waiting for it to come in writing in the next two or three days, but I am extremely grateful and elated.

After applying to more than fifty different positions, talking to at least thirty five alumni, having at least fifteen different interviews, and exactly four superdays (lengthy back-to-back interviews in a company's office) in New York, Boston, and Raleigh, I am very grateful for the opportunity to join Atalaya Capital in NYC this summer.

Future me: When you are working hard and you feel you need the motivation to keep going, this is exactly why the past me is writing this blog post. (Other than the fact that he's still kind of excited and not being able to go to bed.. haha)

A few hundred words won't justify most of my junior year that I spent on trying to secure summer opportunities, but I guess at least two superdays are worth mentioning: Credit Suisse's at Raleigh and Fidelity Investments' at Boston. For the former, I had three back-to-back interviews, which is pretty decent, apart from the fact that it was held in Raleigh, North Carolina, which is a good two hours flight away from Bradley airport. I woke up at 3 am on a Friday, drove for an hour to Bradley airport, flew into Raleigh, rented a car there, interviewed, had chicken waffles (a local delicacy, wonderful separately but kinda weird when eaten together), and flew back on the same day. I reached Amherst close to midnight. The latter was a much friendlier trip, with Boston being slightly less than two hours drive from Amherst. But I had seven back-to-back half hour interviews on that Tuesday with veterans from Fidelity, followed by two case interviews with Bain (which I did in Fidelity's office building due to time constraints), and in the midst of a total of nine interviews that whole week.

I had a total of three interviews on three separate days with Atalaya. First was Thursday, I was really lucky that I was preparing for an Investment Banking (IB) superday on Friday which required finance technicals, allowing me to perform really well in the technical aspect first round interview. The turnover was quick, I was invited to speak with a Principal (turns out to be a super amazing dude) one day after my initial interview round. Since I was having the IB superday in New York that day, I was offered to speak in the office, which was great because meeting in person allowed me to connect really well with him. Monday was the President's Day, so I was nervously waiting on Tuesday until I received a call from the HR asking if I can speak with the COO during the early evening.

After around ten minutes into the call, a miracle happened. I can't remember his words verbatim, but he said something along the lines of "You're hired. Congratulations, have a nice afternoon. Now you at least have a place to go for the 8 weeks of summer." I was elated - I still am.. After everything I went through, it feels great to finally have my skills acknowledged and to be accepted. Without batting an eyelid, I verbally accepted the offer and asked a couple of questions, including some advice. The person I was interviewing with really liked Daniel Kahneman's Thinking, Fast and Slow, so I figure I will spend some time reading it in the coming days.

Yup, that's it, folks. It's going to be my first stint, my first real work, and it's gonna be corporate America in New York City. I am blessed, and I am excited. I resolve to make use of this opportunity to the best of my capability, and to catch up on all the things that I have put aside when I was focusing on the job hunt. I'll go ahead with my other final round interview tomorrow morning, because it'll be too late to cancel it, but I think it's not too late to cancel my other super day next week. Thank you for all your support, prayers, and blessings, dear readers.

Finally, the funniest part about Atalaya is that I received the opportunity neither from Amherst alumni nor from networking, but from registering into an internship search startup called Snap! from a Facebook advertisement. Who would've thought procrastinating on Facebook could help you launch your career?

-R

Crush

It's her birthday today. I said hi on Facebook, and am glad to hear that she's doing well.

I think my first will freak out if she learns that my phone password's her first name. Lol

May this day be full of gaiety, pals :)

-R

My 2016

Peace begins with me.

Hi readers,

2015 was a laden year, a lot of things happened and we are all forced to stretch ourselves in multiple dimensions. I have a feeling that 2016 is even more so.. Yet, if you ask me, what are my new year's resolutions, I only have one. Which is to come back to myself, and thank/love/clean/zero what is within me. I wish (for you and for me) that this year, I will smile more, be more grateful, and give more love to my life.

There is a sweet sound, a music, no a symphony that plays within everyone's tune. It follows the earth's rhythm, the soul's bliss, and I resolve to listen to and dance along that tune more closely. By following my bliss, I hope to attain peace, and be at peace more often. For I cannot offer anybody the world's peace, but I can offer my peace, the peace of I.

Moreover, I had the good fortune and the opportunity to spend my new years in the presence of my family members, and I am grateful for their continuous grace, health, and wealth. I am but a small speck traveling across the lands and seas, and I am grateful to know that there is always a home to go back to. As such, I resolve to remember this, to be more at peace with myself and my family, and to love them more.

There also has been multiple instances where I catch myself devoid of faith, and I forgive myself. How do I know that I am devoid of faith? Well, there are people, a lot of people, who have faith in me. The funny me would at times not trust myself, despite the fact that others around trust me very much. And thus I resolve to change, for who am I to not trust myself in spite of others'?

I have also been blessed with an abundance of guardian angels. People who care about me, who support me, who reach out to me in my darkest times. They remind me to be grateful and to be at peace, and they are also reasons why I am grateful and can be at peace. As such I resolve to be more gracious and helpful, such that I might be one to somebody around me.

I pray that I remember, always, to put love, faith, and God before everything else. After all, what is truly important?

Thank you, 2015. It has been a good run. Hello, 2016. I love you. And I wish all of you a peaceful and inspiring 2016.

Yours,
Rufus