I find writing an invaluable way to organize my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. When I have the luxury of time, and am facing against a calamity of feelings, it really helps to sit down and write to straighten up my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
I have to first begin by saying that I am grateful, because right now, I am bombarded by a set of beautiful feelings and emotions. I think I am in love, or at the tipping point of it. However, as with every episode of love, there are some yeses and a bunch of nos involved, thus this entry can be seen as an attempt to convince myself to not start anything?
Different people have different ways of measuring the state 'being in love', just as different people attribute different things to success. For me, it's simple, really. Two biggest indicators (around 5% margin of error) would be 1) somebody whose presence I am really comfortable with and really enjoy, and who I crave for when the lady is not around. I miss her warmth. 2) somebody whose face would appear, and would be really difficult to shake off, when I shut my eyes just before I go to bed.
I drove her to eat in a Japanese restaurant in Northampton yesterday. As we happily chatted away in the midst of the commute, I asked my friend if she felt better as she bumped herself into a rack a few days ago (hahaha). I took a good look at her cheek to see if it had swollen, and as I focused and eased my gaze, all I can think of was just caressing that smooth, white skin of hers. I quickly averted my eyes back to the traffic, while realizing that a new threshold of attraction has just been crossed.
My last girlfriend was a superb, amazing one - she couldn't have set the bar higher. As I went along exploring new potential female partners, I would, consciously or subconsciously, compare the new girl with her. When reflecting, I would shut my eye, and it has always been the case that my ex would pop up into the image of my mind, instead of the new girl. I used this test to see how my friend scaled up, and to my amazement, I found myself slightly preferring her than my ex.
In Thinking, Fast and Slow, Kahneman chronicled two thinking systems, system 1 (fast) and system 2 (slow). System 1 responds on urges and intuition, it makes quick judgments and dictates most of our actions. Without system 1, our lives would come down to a slow grind (imagine having to deliberate if every chair is safe to sit on before sitting on it, except you extend that to every part of your life). However, system 2, the slow, meditative, but complex thinking system, allows us to tackle complexity and plan for the long-term, and without it, we wouldn't be really different from other animals in the jungle.
As such, this whole affair seems to me to be a battle between my system 1 and my system 2. My system 1 urges me to go with the flow of my feelings and emotions, while my system 2 acts as a handbrake, knowing very well that there are factors that might hurt both of us in the long-run if my system 1 runs rampant unchecked. I am living with her and some other close friends for the whole year in my senior year. I am also extremely certain that she is not romantically interested in me (although signaling might change that, but that's a separate discourse altogether). Therefore, it is the same hazard as pursuing romantic relationships with your close friends: Mess things up and you'll lose both a friend and a lover.
Every person has his or her own theme in life, similar issues that keep on recurring throughout their journey, and this interesting dilemma is probably one of mine. I let my system 1 triumph with my previous girlfriend, and perhaps this is an excellent chance, another shot, to make a different decision and see where it takes me. I did not regret making the decision last time (she was, and she still is, a wonderful woman and lover), and I have seen yesterday's event coming, miles and miles before, but for now I shall strive to deepen our friendship - making us even more comfortable with each other - and leaving it at that.
And in the event that the nonzero probability of you seeing this post procs, I just wanted to tell you that I am grateful that you are in my life right now. As we have discussed so many times, it is a wonderful feeling to be in love, and therefore I owe you because you have afforded me such a wonderful feeling. I really appreciate your softness, your ambitions, your thoughtfulness, but also, your smile and the beauty of its holder.
-R
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