Davis, California; New York, New York

Hi readers,

Yes, yes, whew it's the end of May. I tell people I try to update my blog once every month, almost broke it this time round. Apologies, it has been a hectic time period: I finished my finals week in the middle of May, packed out and flew to Davis to stay with my two cousins for a week, and started my internship in New York the beginning of last week.

How is everything going? It's been going great. There is so much that happened and I have to get up for work at 7 am tomorrow so I'll have to keep it on the brief side, but first let me talk about my take-home exam. It was for a class called Computer Systems II, where I learn about kernels, operating systems, virtual machines, so on and so forth. It was a tough class, and despite the recommended two hours of the take-home, I probably spent closer to a combined of 10+ hours on it. I really enjoyed the class, however, because I remember reading somewhere that in this era, the successful people are: a) they who are the top on their fields b) they who have a lot of capital and c) they who understand complex machines. I feel that my undertaking with Systems II gets me a bit closer to being one of the c). I am talking about the kind of difficulty that is so difficult, but it's satisfying because it's so difficult.

Fast forward to Davis, where I spent the whole weeks with my two cousins and their two lovely corgis, and I tried setting up the balanced lifestyle (read: Finishing a whole bag of 1 pound of Kale in five days and going to the gym everyday) while trying my best to prepare for my summer internship and having fun with my two cousins. The week flew by, and then here I am, having finished five days of my summer internship with Atalaya. I am really grateful to be here in NYC and to have this wonderful internship. I tell my friends that the firm has all the perks of Wall Street minus the douchebagness; I work with really driven, brilliant, and type-A colleagues, but they and my supervisors are really patient and kind in teaching me the ropes.

My typical schedule goes like this: Wake up at 6:30 am, leave for work around 7, get to the office at 7:45 am, fix breakfast and start work proper. My coworkers would typically ask if I want lunch, I would walk with them to a nearby restaurant/salad place and would bring lunch back to eat in my desk. As per company's policy, if you work after 8 pm, you are entitled to order a delivery dinner, and therefore I usually get dinner around 7~7:30 pm, and leave office at around 9 pm. I reach my dorm at slightly before 10 pm, go to the gym, reply to my messages and e-mails, and head to bed slightly after 11 pm. Rinse and repeat from Monday to Friday! This is great for several reasons: 1) I still manage 7~ hours of sleep everyday 2) I enjoy the work, it's challenging and different for each different transactions 3) I enjoy my coworkers so much, if I had to be stuck with somebody for a long time, I'd rather be stuck with them 4) As an intern, I get paid generously, and the dinner policy helps me a lot 5) Free snacks and coffee in the office (read: Greek yogurt, nuts, fruits, hummus) further emphasizes #4 6) I still get to go to the gym 7) They barely touch my weekends. I just have to reply e-mails every now and then. 8) Because of #7, I have been meeting tons of wonderful people, exploring NYC, and hopefully see more stand up comedy shows!

On top of that, I am actually eligible to take a cab for free (booted by the company) if I leave the office after 9 pm, but I felt that I leave that late more due to me not being the most efficient yet, and I don't deserve that perk for now. Maybe if I have to leave by midnight or something, then I'll take advantage of it.

I am really grateful to my employer, and therefore I resolve to give it my all. I aspire to be of value to them as soon as possible. (So yes, my work is my girlfriend for now. I hope this answers your questions!)

I wish you peace and prosperity,

Rufus

On Love (Continued)

Dear beloved readers,

It's a nice Sunday here in Western Mass: The sun's out, I'm in the library and I have a lot to do, but why not carve out some time to give you all another update on my life.

I have been spending a lot of time these days developing my rituals, sharpening my skills, reaching out to new people, and secretly deepening my friendship with her (see the previous post). I think the rituals are paying off really well: As I consume more dark leafy greens, say more thank-yous, exercise and pray more often, I find life suddenly more fun, easier, and enjoyable. :) So yes, I have been fine, as always. Thanks for checking in!

I also have been doing a good job keeping myself in check in terms of my relationship with the aforementioned female friend. Between this and the previous blog post, we have spent a lot of time together, just the two of us or with other mutual friends, and throughout these pleasant interactions I have been trying to stay objective and neutral. I did not let my feelings and my lust take over (which is hard, because trust me, she's really beautiful!), and being a touchy-feely person myself, I successfully limited any physical contact with her. I am glad I did these, because having lust and physical motives creates expectations and attachments. And I feel that I am seeing more and more of the "real" her.

The story goes like this: Two summers ago, I met a wonderful guy from Williams College when I was studying mandarin in Beijing, and I thought that this dude would be a great fit for her. So earlier this semester, I took the liberty to introduce them to each other, and ever since that introduction, she has always been telling me that she is craving to meet the dude and really admires him so much. Therefore, I did what every good friend would do: On the past Friday afternoon, I drove her to Williams, set up a meeting with the three of us, and bailed out mid-way pretending to be working on a computer science project that was suddenly due that midnight.

She had a great time with him, and I joined my two friends at around 10 p.m., getting wings and coffee while buying a glass of beer for this dude as a 'token of apology' for 'ditching' him and my friend ;). Anyways, the three of us had a great conversation, and it was only around midnight my friend pointed out that I probably should be driving back to Amherst. My friend and I ended up reaching Amherst slightly past 2 a.m.!

Anyways, I am somehow in this stage where I feel that I have successfully killed my expectations, and just learning to be happy when she's happy. And that is great, because from my past relationship I painfully learned that I should never do nice things for anybody and then expecting reciprocity! And of course, I don't let anyone take advantage of me, too! I conclude that she's overall a great person, but I somehow no longer crave her presence that much. It's great to have her around, and I am really happy when she is really happy, but that's pretty much it. I do look forward to deepening my friendship with her, though.

Have a wonderful week ahead, readers!

-R

On Love

I find writing an invaluable way to organize my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. When I have the luxury of time, and am facing against a calamity of feelings, it really helps to sit down and write to straighten up my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

I have to first begin by saying that I am grateful, because right now, I am bombarded by a set of beautiful feelings and emotions. I think I am in love, or at the tipping point of it. However, as with every episode of love, there are some yeses and a bunch of nos involved, thus this entry can be seen as an attempt to convince myself to not start anything?

Different people have different ways of measuring the state 'being in love', just as different people attribute different things to success. For me, it's simple, really. Two biggest indicators (around 5% margin of error) would be 1) somebody whose presence I am really comfortable with and really enjoy, and who I crave for when the lady is not around. I miss her warmth. 2) somebody whose face would appear, and would be really difficult to shake off, when I shut my eyes just before I go to bed.

I drove her to eat in a Japanese restaurant in Northampton yesterday. As we happily chatted away in the midst of the commute, I asked my friend if she felt better as she bumped herself into a rack a few days ago (hahaha). I took a good look at her cheek to see if it had swollen, and as I focused and eased my gaze, all I can think of was just caressing that smooth, white skin of hers. I quickly averted my eyes back to the traffic, while realizing that a new threshold of attraction has just been crossed.

My last girlfriend was a superb, amazing one - she couldn't have set the bar higher. As I went along exploring new potential female partners, I would, consciously or subconsciously, compare the new girl with her. When reflecting, I would shut my eye, and it has always been the case that my ex would pop up into the image of my mind, instead of the new girl. I used this test to see how my friend scaled up, and to my amazement, I found myself slightly preferring her than my ex.

In Thinking, Fast and Slow, Kahneman chronicled two thinking systems, system 1 (fast) and system 2 (slow). System 1 responds on urges and intuition, it makes quick judgments and dictates most of our actions. Without system 1, our lives would come down to a slow grind (imagine having to deliberate if every chair is safe to sit on before sitting on it, except you extend that to every part of your life). However, system 2, the slow, meditative, but complex thinking system, allows us to tackle complexity and plan for the long-term, and without it, we wouldn't be really different from other animals in the jungle.

As such, this whole affair seems to me to be a battle between my system 1 and my system 2. My system 1 urges me to go with the flow of my feelings and emotions, while my system 2 acts as a handbrake, knowing very well that there are factors that might hurt both of us in the long-run if my system 1 runs rampant unchecked. I am living with her and some other close friends for the whole year in my senior year. I am also extremely certain that she is not romantically interested in me (although signaling might change that, but that's a separate discourse altogether). Therefore, it is the same hazard as pursuing romantic relationships with your close friends: Mess things up and you'll lose both a friend and a lover.

Every person has his or her own theme in life, similar issues that keep on recurring throughout their journey, and this interesting dilemma is probably one of mine. I let my system 1 triumph with my previous girlfriend, and perhaps this is an excellent chance, another shot, to make a different decision and see where it takes me. I did not regret making the decision last time (she was, and she still is, a wonderful woman and lover), and I have seen yesterday's event coming, miles and miles before, but for now I shall strive to deepen our friendship - making us even more comfortable with each other - and leaving it at that.

And in the event that the nonzero probability of you seeing this post procs, I just wanted to tell you that I am grateful that you are in my life right now. As we have discussed so many times, it is a wonderful feeling to be in love, and therefore I owe you because you have afforded me such a wonderful feeling. I really appreciate your softness, your ambitions, your thoughtfulness, but also, your smile and the beauty of its holder.

-R

Farewell, Brother

From you, I understand that

/

life is fragile.

you are in a better place.

you've lived your life fully.

\

Thank you for making all of us laugh with your stories and jokes, Stephanus. Beijing was the best four months of my life so far, and you definitely played a role in it. I pray that your journey will be a safe and a smooth-sailing one, all according to God's will.

Goodbye for now, but see you again.

R

Internship

It's a verbal offer, and I am waiting for it to come in writing in the next two or three days, but I am extremely grateful and elated.

After applying to more than fifty different positions, talking to at least thirty five alumni, having at least fifteen different interviews, and exactly four superdays (lengthy back-to-back interviews in a company's office) in New York, Boston, and Raleigh, I am very grateful for the opportunity to join Atalaya Capital in NYC this summer.

Future me: When you are working hard and you feel you need the motivation to keep going, this is exactly why the past me is writing this blog post. (Other than the fact that he's still kind of excited and not being able to go to bed.. haha)

A few hundred words won't justify most of my junior year that I spent on trying to secure summer opportunities, but I guess at least two superdays are worth mentioning: Credit Suisse's at Raleigh and Fidelity Investments' at Boston. For the former, I had three back-to-back interviews, which is pretty decent, apart from the fact that it was held in Raleigh, North Carolina, which is a good two hours flight away from Bradley airport. I woke up at 3 am on a Friday, drove for an hour to Bradley airport, flew into Raleigh, rented a car there, interviewed, had chicken waffles (a local delicacy, wonderful separately but kinda weird when eaten together), and flew back on the same day. I reached Amherst close to midnight. The latter was a much friendlier trip, with Boston being slightly less than two hours drive from Amherst. But I had seven back-to-back half hour interviews on that Tuesday with veterans from Fidelity, followed by two case interviews with Bain (which I did in Fidelity's office building due to time constraints), and in the midst of a total of nine interviews that whole week.

I had a total of three interviews on three separate days with Atalaya. First was Thursday, I was really lucky that I was preparing for an Investment Banking (IB) superday on Friday which required finance technicals, allowing me to perform really well in the technical aspect first round interview. The turnover was quick, I was invited to speak with a Principal (turns out to be a super amazing dude) one day after my initial interview round. Since I was having the IB superday in New York that day, I was offered to speak in the office, which was great because meeting in person allowed me to connect really well with him. Monday was the President's Day, so I was nervously waiting on Tuesday until I received a call from the HR asking if I can speak with the COO during the early evening.

After around ten minutes into the call, a miracle happened. I can't remember his words verbatim, but he said something along the lines of "You're hired. Congratulations, have a nice afternoon. Now you at least have a place to go for the 8 weeks of summer." I was elated - I still am.. After everything I went through, it feels great to finally have my skills acknowledged and to be accepted. Without batting an eyelid, I verbally accepted the offer and asked a couple of questions, including some advice. The person I was interviewing with really liked Daniel Kahneman's Thinking, Fast and Slow, so I figure I will spend some time reading it in the coming days.

Yup, that's it, folks. It's going to be my first stint, my first real work, and it's gonna be corporate America in New York City. I am blessed, and I am excited. I resolve to make use of this opportunity to the best of my capability, and to catch up on all the things that I have put aside when I was focusing on the job hunt. I'll go ahead with my other final round interview tomorrow morning, because it'll be too late to cancel it, but I think it's not too late to cancel my other super day next week. Thank you for all your support, prayers, and blessings, dear readers.

Finally, the funniest part about Atalaya is that I received the opportunity neither from Amherst alumni nor from networking, but from registering into an internship search startup called Snap! from a Facebook advertisement. Who would've thought procrastinating on Facebook could help you launch your career?

-R

Crush

It's her birthday today. I said hi on Facebook, and am glad to hear that she's doing well.

I think my first will freak out if she learns that my phone password's her first name. Lol

May this day be full of gaiety, pals :)

-R

My 2016

Peace begins with me.

Hi readers,

2015 was a laden year, a lot of things happened and we are all forced to stretch ourselves in multiple dimensions. I have a feeling that 2016 is even more so.. Yet, if you ask me, what are my new year's resolutions, I only have one. Which is to come back to myself, and thank/love/clean/zero what is within me. I wish (for you and for me) that this year, I will smile more, be more grateful, and give more love to my life.

There is a sweet sound, a music, no a symphony that plays within everyone's tune. It follows the earth's rhythm, the soul's bliss, and I resolve to listen to and dance along that tune more closely. By following my bliss, I hope to attain peace, and be at peace more often. For I cannot offer anybody the world's peace, but I can offer my peace, the peace of I.

Moreover, I had the good fortune and the opportunity to spend my new years in the presence of my family members, and I am grateful for their continuous grace, health, and wealth. I am but a small speck traveling across the lands and seas, and I am grateful to know that there is always a home to go back to. As such, I resolve to remember this, to be more at peace with myself and my family, and to love them more.

There also has been multiple instances where I catch myself devoid of faith, and I forgive myself. How do I know that I am devoid of faith? Well, there are people, a lot of people, who have faith in me. The funny me would at times not trust myself, despite the fact that others around trust me very much. And thus I resolve to change, for who am I to not trust myself in spite of others'?

I have also been blessed with an abundance of guardian angels. People who care about me, who support me, who reach out to me in my darkest times. They remind me to be grateful and to be at peace, and they are also reasons why I am grateful and can be at peace. As such I resolve to be more gracious and helpful, such that I might be one to somebody around me.

I pray that I remember, always, to put love, faith, and God before everything else. After all, what is truly important?

Thank you, 2015. It has been a good run. Hello, 2016. I love you. And I wish all of you a peaceful and inspiring 2016.

Yours,
Rufus