So here at my dorm, Williston, we have tea time every Sunday evenings 9pm. This week's special though, as my RC (Resident Counselor, some sort of upperclassmen who are responsible for the dorm's wellbeing) managed to get ahold of Professor Sanderson. Prof Sanderson is one of the most popular psychology professor at Amherst College, so much so that even sophomores have zero chance to enroll in her classes.
She shared her story about dating and relationships in college, and it was summarized in five points. The story was spiced with so many different anecdotes and examples, but for the sake of brevity I shall try my best to pick out the most relevant ones. (or rather the ones I remember the most)
So, before you can actually date someone, you should
1. Meet somebody. Yes, right, put yourself out, and actually try to meet someone. It can be through various means, such as going to parties, bars, or even through more nonobvious settings such as volunteering, dance lessons, etc. Simply because you can't get into a relationship with someone who you've never met before. (unless we're talking about online dating here, in which we "virtually" meet someone)
2. Render yourself vulnerable. Put your heart at stake, and express your interest to the person at some point. The person you like is (hopefully) not a psychic who will be able to read your mind, and you will have to let the person know. Prof Sanderson compared this with the analogy of asking questions in the class. You often have questions, and you are invited to ask questions, but you don't ask em because you are afraid that you look stupid. You see the rest of the class not asking questions, and you think that they don't NOT because they don't want to look stupid, you think it's more because they're all already smart and don't need to ask the question. And turns out everyone thinks the same way and the question was never asked.
At some point of the time, you just simply have to go out there, and tell the person the truth. Another anecdote she shared was about an ex student who was a senior athlete, good looking, intelligent, confident etc. He came to meet her personally to tell her about how he's in love with a girl since his freshman year, and how he feels that she's the one etc etc. Professor's advice? Let her know. And this guy was simply blown away at the suggestion. It's as if that the professor's telling him not to wear clothes. (ps. this was not part of the story, but at the Q&A, the professor shared how she told her current husband that she loved him, twice, and got rejected twice, when she was an undergraduate at Stanford. A few years after graduation though, the guy just came up to her door and declared his love for her. And they are married 20 years since.)
3. Okay, so now assume that you have found the person, and you have expressed your feelings. And the person said 'yes'. Now, you have to stimulate a state of arousal in that person. Okay, I am going to be super nerdy and just spam out my intro to psych knowledge here: According to this Schachter guy or whatever, the body's physiological response to states of fear, giddy excitation, and love (it's the two factor theory), and yes, so people can mistake fear from the suspension bridge into attraction (it's in fact a legit psych experiment, which you can Google it: "suspension bridge effect"). Other sources of arousal include: coffee's caffeine, roller coasters, haunted house, etc. Apparently this is used in reality tv dating shows (dates are based upon the participants' greatest fears), and she shared a story about the two survivors of a plane crash got engaged (they did not meet in the plane's couch, they met at the plane's wings after the crash to the Hudson lake). So, you can use this principle to create an aroused emotional state in your crush, and hopefully they will misattribute the heightened heartbeat and sweating palms to being excited around you and for having fallen for you.
4. So having done steps 1-3, you now have to project an idealized version of your partner or loved ones, to keep the romance burning. Why? Sounds like a terrible advice, right? Well, it's simply doing what you do to yourself and extending it to your partner. Why? Because most of us overestimate ourselves. We think that we're above average in looks, grades, personality, etc. So conventional wisdom states that the normal people have realistic expectations etc, and the depressed people are super sad and pessimistic about their life. It was actually discovered that this is not at all true: the depressed people actually have the normal expectations of their life, extremely realistic about themselves and the world. We, the "normal" people, actually think about ourselves and others in idealized terms, and have these delusions about us being extraordinary. Consider these facts: More than 70% of American drivers think that they are an above-average driver (which is statistically impossible).
So why do we have to think about our partner in idealized terms? Professor Sanderson shares another psych experiment: So a couple in the room sits down facing one another, and were asked to fill out a survey that determines whether they "see the relationship in the same way as one another or not", and they were told that the questions in the survey form they had are exactly the same questions. So at the first page they were asked how they first met one another, their first kiss, etc. At the second page, one of the person's questions made him/her list down things that he/she does not like about the partner. So he/she slowly lists down these small irks. Meanwhile, what the person does not know is the partner's question, which requires the partner to list down the things he/she had in the dorm room. So imagine the feeling of the first person who sees his partner filling down the sheet as fast as possible, with a lot of things, and even requesting an extra sheet of paper to fill in the answers. The third question for the first person though, requires that person to list down things that he/she loves about the partner. Amazingly enough, if the person has idealized notions about the partner, he/she will list even more things that he/she loves about the partner in spite of thinking that the partner listed so many bad things about him/her. This is because the person becomes so grateful that his/her partner is still with him/her despite all the bad things that is listed. Here's how you idealize a partner: not stubborn but determined, not stingy or miserly but frugal and saving the planet.
5. The last step is fight evenly. According to a psych research, the greatest indicator of a divorce in a marriage is how couples fight. Not how often, but how. Can the couple actually talk out their differences between one another, express anger and frustration, and deal with it together? Or do they seek passive-aggressive means, or allow small things to build up and explode like a volcano? So encourage openness. Be honest about your expectations and frustrations. Learn to fight it out, like an adult. Don't be like the person professor Sanderson shared about: He's been seeing a girl for six months, and they broke up. Simply because one day, the girl asked him about where is the relationship heading to, and the guy simply sent her packing. Simply because the guy wanted to deal the pre-emptive strike (which in all honesty, we all agree that she could be asking for a marriage instead of asking for a breakup!!) Be honest, be open, talk. Be angry, be frustrated, but deal with it together.
Thank you Professor Sanderson, thank you Amherst College, for such experiences are what makes studying thousands of miles away from home worth it :)
Truly Indonesia's Finest,
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