Reservoir

Once upon a time,

I took my car keys and went for a drive.

Although I miss Singapore sometimes, I still remember a lot of the stress I had to put up with to do well in my exams and excel in school. Of course, there were plenty of coping mechanisms, one of which I forgot until today. Whenever my dams were about to burst, I would go out and take a bus to McRitchie Reservoir. There, I would walk along the dark bodies of water and enjoy the smell of the forest while gazing at the stars. I would always go there by myself, alone, at night.

I would allow the nature to embrace me, enjoying my quiet moment of solitude. As I walk in further and further into the reservoir, the lights become dimmer and the sounds of cars become softer. In the depths of silence, there were no worries, there were no fears. Everything is going to be okay; I don't need to fear rejection or failure. There was a glob of wisdom-energy in the air that accessed me and revitalized my spirit. If there is a refresh button in life, this felt like hitting it. I would come back to my dorm, feeling more confident and stronger, ready to take on another stretch of challenge.

Two years, 20,000 miles, and a random drive later, I arrived at the Quabbin Reservoir at Amherst College. As I walked along quietly, staring at the great lakes and watching crimson, orange, and yellow leaves flutter about, I recognized the semblance that I'd encountered and forgotten so many times two years ago. The cool air and the softly blowing wind were casting the same spell on me. It may be forgotten, but it will never be lost on me.

I know, but I sometimes don't remember. But if I forget, I will remember to remind myself that I know.

Approval

A key to personal growth and evolution is a continuous and a conscious re-examination of one's own thoughts, personality, and character. And as I am dissuaded and distracted by a piece of thought I have, coupled with the insecurities I harbor, I shall reflect on this piece of me.

Yesterday, I was consulting my Computer Science professor about which classes to take, and she highlighted the importance of taking more humanities courses. Taking such courses would not only broaden my pool of knowledge, but also make me a more wholesome person. This is the supposed hallmark of Liberal Arts education, where intellectual pursuit is done for the sole purpose of quenching the individual's thirst of knowledge.

One thought led to another, and I became worried about whether I am making the most out of my education here at Amherst College. I recounted instances where great admiration has been shown to persons who displayed great intellectual capacity and confidence. And indeed, their intellectual prowess were not on commonplace fields of knowledge such as current affairs, politics, or the economy, but on more arcane fields such as history, philosophy, and literature. I profess to admiring these people with broad knowledge, but also, feeling the urge to be one of them, to be admired for being "intellectual". As such, I reached a point where I felt guilty for only taking economics and computer science classes, which are nowhere arcane or intellectually stimulating enough by the standards of these people.

Then I remembered my conversation with another spiritual friend/advisor in Jakarta I had in the past summer. According to her, I possess a character trait of perfectionism. I really like harmonious relationships, and everyone's good opinions or approval toward me matter a lot. I try to be the Mr. Perfect, trying to achieve perfection in order to be seen in a good light by everyone. Borrowing an analogy she presented, I am like a smooth circular sphere who keeps smoothening himself. I seek to progress with my life, with my relationships in a very smooth, frictionless manner. And as you Physics majors know, a stationary object trying to move with its own force needs friction in order to accelerate (Newton's Third Law). What ends up happening is I keep on smoothening myself, but I end up staying stuck there, not advancing at all as I keep on rolling and rolling about in the same place. Perhaps, I am better off as an ugly-shaped lump of an object who persists on rolling forward. Life is not a race, but joy in life lies in progress.

Thus, I discovered that there is a part of myself that judges me for not being able to be perfect, for not being able to gain everyone's approval. And, sure enough, my insecurities stem from this part of me. As a people-oriented person, I know that I might fall into the same trap in the future, but I pray that I always will remember that having the approval of everyone means having the approval of no one. Paul Newman, a famous artist and philanthropist, once said: "A man with no enemies is a man with no character." I won't go around looking for enemies just to prove that I have character, but I will gain my own approval of me first. It doesn't matter how many stamps of approval I get if I don't get my own's.

Maybe I will have made the most out of my education here. Maybe I won't. But all I know is I made these decisions myself, and yes, I got my back. If not, who would? Maybe ten years down the road the girl of my dreams won't be as fascinated with me because I am not liberal artsy enough for her. But maybe, just maybe, she'll be able to accept and love me the way I am? It is precisely these perfectionistic tendencies that cause me to take things too seriously, to take into account tomorrow's problem into today's, and to excessively care about people's judgements and how things pan out. I'll have to give these tendencies a break if I ever wish to achieve security. For secure is derived from Latin securus: se which means without, and curus, which means care.

Let go.

Hmm

Beloved readers, this post is more of a self-reflection answering some qualms I have encountered. It's more for me than for you. Thanks :)

On Love,

Earlier this week, I was talking to my boss about dating. She's pretty impressed (and horrified) to learn that I only consider dating my best friends. It's a double-whammy: If you win, you have everything to win. But if things go wrong, you lose not only your lover, but a best friend too. And apparently it doesn't work, because once a guy is in a friendzone, he stays there forever.

I um.. I think I am willing to take the chances that there's some women out there who might have the same philosophy, who prioritize comfort over excitement, and understanding over mystery. What I need to learn is to shelve my tendency to be overly kind and also to shelve my physical attraction to my female friends (and also the need to attract their attention). I guess that's what I mean when I tell myself I have to take it easy. It's not about who to commit to, because it's not at all about commitment. But it is all about choosing who to share my love to, and then committing to myself that it shall never be broken.

And then just hope that the other party would be willing to share hers back. Because if she doesn't, and I truly love her, it doesn't matter. Love doesn't expect anything back. But I know, that for my purposes, I would love being loved back (I'm human too), so now it's just a question of choosing who deserves such a love? And I pray that I become more patient as I choose, and as I do so, I shall not be blinded by pity or lust.

Also, a bunch of my close friends have just graduated from college recently, and they all shared the same advice: Find a girlfriend while you are still in college. It's apparently way more difficult to meet girls outside college. It seems true. Yesterday, the first-years just checked in, and with them a bunch of my friends who are helping with orientation came back to Amherst. I am nowhere near a Don Juan or a Cassanova, but I think I get along pretty well with the ladies. And yes, in the span of 48 hours, I've talked to exactly seven ladies who are kind, attractive, around my age, and not taken (I think), which is around the same number of ladies I talked to during the three months of summer that has just ended.

---

"Give me a minute, I'm good. Give me an hour, I'm great. Give me six months, I'm unbeatable."  -Hannibal from The A-Team movie.

I remember this quote when I think about the power of time. I know we shouldn't compare ourselves with other people, but I think the only person we can compare ourself to is the person we were yesterday.

And thus, I look back, and I realize that although I loved myself from the past, I think I grow over time too. I might lose some, but I know that as time passes, I become more mature, and my capabilities grow bigger too. I am confident that the me right now is a much better person to date than the me five years ago, and thus the me five years later would me a way better person to date than the me now.

I also am a believer in the law of attraction, and that you attract similar vibes. As I become wiser and more mature, I'll attract more wiser and more mature company too. I am confident that I can make a girl happy right now, but I am confident I can make her happier in the future. Therefore, with all respect to my seniors' opinions, I will still take it easy. And thus I shall be free from insecurity but also from complacency.

Dear self, take it easy, take it slow. Love does not rush, and she is not going anywhere. Relax, breathe, enjoy the journey, and live.

Sending positive vibrations on your way :)

Anastasia

I don't know how are you, where you are, or what are you up to

And

I know my words will not, and will probably never, reach you

But

I pray that you are deeply in love with life, savoring every bit of it with an even smile,

That

I wish that you are surrounded by people who love you almighty,

Such that

I hope you are blessed with good health, and a stellar luck that would shame the god of fortune

And with thus

All angers and negativity shall melt off, and the evil shall run miles miles away

From you

Your smile is a field of sunflowers

And your touch, a sliver of heaven.

We shall meet each other again someday,

In the place where the sun never sets.

With arms wide open, with eyes that are interlocking with mine

Finally saying,

I loved you.

Anastasia..

I'm fine too,

Thank you.

Wonder

Haha I don't know what I ought to write, but I just felt like writing because I'm alone in the first floor of smudd trying to procrastinate from doing my E-Learning. Yes, smudd is open 24/7 with AC in the summer! Life is good(:

I am fascinated by a thought: I am a hero in my own story, the main character, the one who saves the day. As is everyone with their own lives, and their own stories. However, occasionally I might play the villain in someone else's story. I'm rather curious what kind of villain I would be, and what sort of sins I would commit.

"If you play the drama, you shall reap the karma." That is what I was taught; but to live is to be involved in the drama of others. This reminds me of my pal Dan (who I'm visiting in Princeton next week!) who was a sailor, and dealt with a lot of different characters. His answer? Tread lightly.

Anyways, a little update on my end: My internship is winding down, and I've been running on top gear (and will be for the next coming two weeks) so I'll love to kick back and relax for a bit. I might be on the road for a couple of weeks; but I also look forward to be done done and just sing, throw my hands up, and dance :)

Hope you are having an amazing summer!

Williamstown, MA

Warmest greetings, dearest readers.

I hope you are all doing well and fine :) A lot of things has happened but it's slightly difficult for me to express them through prose (I guess since they're not that comical.. hahaha) so allow me to start with the lighter touches first.

A few weeks ago I took a zipcar to visit my (only) Williams friend, Jaeho, whom I met during my summer in Beijing. Public Service Announcement: If any of you readers are looking for a boyfriend, I strongly recommend Jaeho: He is one of the nicest, unassuming, and well-meaning people I've ever met in my life. He's smart, a hard worker, and also a serious but fun guy. And he's pretty cute too <3. Anyways, before you guys start suspecting my sexual preferences (I am attracted to women and women only) I'll proceed to the story, then.

By the time my GPS announced that I have arrived in Williams, I reached out my phone to call Jaeho. It's only then I realized that my mobile does not have reception there. And you've guessed it, I haven't agreed with Jaeho where exactly in Williams we were meeting. I grew pretty desperate and considered to step out of the car and asking random Williams kids if they knew Jaeho and if they could connect me with him, but there were two things holding me back: a) Williams had way way more kids in the Summer than Amherst, what are the odds that I'd pick somebody who knew him? b) I was wearing an Amherst College T-shirt. I was kinda scared that I would end up being tackled by a bunch of Williams footballers due to our schools' rivalry.

Being a super rational person as myself, the genius but desperate me decided to be innovative. I parked my car near a quad full of students sitting down on the grass, chatting, and enjoying the waning summer sunshine (which, I later learned, was right in front of the campus center). As I walked out of the car toward the building, I took off my purple Amherst T-shirt and I charged toward these people, while repeatedly yelling "Jaeho Jaeho Jaeho!!!" and wildly swinging my T-shirt in the air. I was expecting Jaeho to pop out and save me from the embarrassment but instead three young buff lads quickly stood up and tackled me. Next thing I knew I was being interrogated in the Williams' campus police.. Whew, I thought they were going to send me to a mental asylum or something. Fortunately, the folks there were nice enough to call Jaeho up and let me off scotch-free..

Just kidding, I actually managed to get ahold of him without shaming myself to death like above. One of his friends actually told me that I made a rookie mistake of not knowing that T-mobile doesn't work in Williams at all. (Thanks for the late warning, sir...) But I really had fun in the quaint place. Yes, Williams only had a street as their downtown, and zero Chinese restaurants (Amherst has an intersection as our downtown, and we have three Chinese restaurants within walking distance) but it's fair to say that Williams College has a more beautiful architecture and environment. Jaeho took me to see a Van Gogh exhibition in the Clark museum, which was stellar, and the next morning we drove and had a breakfast in an American diner in Vermont. It was my first American diner experience despite having studied here for 1.5 years, and food was superb. The best part was catching up with him and learning what's up from him, though.

I guess that's it for now. Thanks for having me, Jaeho, and you're very certain that I'll be back again!

The gorgeous chapel in Williams College 

The Blue Benn Diner in Vermont, a ten-minute drive from Williams

Enter Summer (ver 2)

Hello again dear readers :)

It's my first summer in the United States, and I'm pretty excited! I arrived in Amherst exactly one and a half weeks ago, and I'd say by now I'm pretty much settled in. I've bought things that I'll need to survive the summer comfortably, see attached (read: pillows and fans) so I think it'll be alright.. hehe

A sneak-preview of my room ;) my little haven <3

Anyways, I'm not quite sure myself why I've taken up to write, but let me share a few things:
1. I'm really pleased to meet friends who I can practice my Chinese and Japanese with. While I guess I can say my Japanese is conversant, apparently my Chinese "depreciated" by a huge margin lol. Well, I shall grab more opportunities to improve my Chinese, then!
2. The people in my office are amazing, and I love my work. They are really capable people, but they are really nice and willing to share too. Another thing worth mentioning would be the fact that most of the people in my office are ladies, out of the 30+ people working in the building I'm one of the four men there.
3. Here at Amherst, taking long walks in the evening summer is really pleasant. I took most of mine with a really close Korean friend in the past few days, and we would go for coffee (she'd grab tea) afterward. Too bad she's on her way back to Korea for the rest of the summer... But I'm chuffed to bits we got to catch up even just for a bit :)

I have plenty of time to catch up, rest, and reflect. It's really tempting just to buzz around and start saturating my time with people, or just moving around and going to different cities to catch up with the old pals, but I'll probably lay low for a bit more. I always welcome people who feel comfortable around me, though. The biggest compliment you can give me is if you can laugh and cry in front of me without a care, if you can be your truest self in my presence. I shall reciprocate and treasure you.

Also, pray that I don't forget to take it easy ;)

Happy summer everyone!