Experiment

This is a continuation of the post titled "A Generator".

Dear readers, how are you? It is 9:44pm Eastern Time, and I am blogging this from my office. Nah, don't worry, I'm not working late. Rather, I am taking advantage of this wonderful, cozy office space to watch Vishen Lakhiani's webinar! I discovered, to my delight, that he is going to speak in at 10 pm today, and this is indeed the perfect end to a day/something really awesome to look forward to!

Anyway, I digress. I am writing (at least in the process of) to examine the results of my "Generator" experiment. To be more specific, getting through a month or so challenge to respond, instead of initiating. There were tough moments to be really fair, but there were also beautiful moments that happened spontaneously, without the need for me to initiate anything whatsoever. Giving you short of a laundry list: A Coffee Meets Bagel date (this Sunday! Will probably tell you how it goes), being invited to make dumplings and having a lot of fun, playing bridge with a bunch of old friends, lunch with couple different friends, a few hangout sessions with a particular extremely attractive lady that I love, and so on and so forth.

However, I also found that experiences that I initiated could be successful and extremely fun as well, such as the kbbq I had with Grace :) (she's so sweet btw, I'm so grateful to know her). I think what made all the difference is the mindset I have when I enter these events, and being grateful for the positive outcomes. The first few weeks of this experiment I was focusing on the crippling fear of being left alone and having nothing to do and no company, and as such my weekends were actually not the greatest. Funnily, as I started being grateful for amazing dates and wonderful weekend plans, they all started popping up and happening to me, without me even planning anything. For example, out of the blue, Audrey just asked me to get lunch on Saturday! Excited to enjoy dimsum with her!

So is the experiment a success? A failure?

I think I wouldn't hesitate to initiate if need be, in the future, definitely. More importantly, however, whatever activities I initiate or I choose to be part of, I shall remember to enter it with a great mindset, and being grateful for the most magnificent outcome, but at the same time being detached to any particular outcomes and having nothing to lose! Complicated? You bet. But the miraculous outcomes so far has been reached by applying this formula. hehehe. Hey, I guess I love my life. It's pretty darn amazing. :)

R

Detachment - Nothing to Lose!

Hahaha

The universe somehow knows what I need the most, at any given moment.

And if I surrender myself to it, I shall get it, whatever I needed the most, at any given moment.

I am in good hands.

---

I think life is all about feeling good about yourself. Genuinely feeling good. A singular devotion to genuinely feeling good.

A range of things can lead to you feeling good. Be it a thought, a word, an action, to building your own empire. A simple, single thought, obtained (or thought) in the right moment, can make all the drastic difference.

I was grappling with a not-so-good feeling the whole day because I was too attached, and basically my dad was spot on. He told me that I need to have a "nothing to lose" attitude. If you get what you desired, dope! If not, then that's cool, try again next time. I'm enough, I am worthy, and therefore I know that I will succeed, sooner, or later. :) Let it be known that I trust myself. My late mentor also once said: "Kalau kamu tulus, you have nothing to lose". It was a quirky, punny pun, but living it is never as easy as nodding to it and saying it. I don't know if it's easy for me to be "tulus" (Indonesian for being sincere), but I know for sure that I can be in a state where I have nothing to lose. I think it is easier that way.

Cheers,

Know Thyself. Trust Thyself. Love Thyself.

"You have been grateful for your family and friends, for your work, money, health, and your dreams, and even for people you come across each day. But the person who deserves your gratitude more than anyone else is you."

hehehe I am grateful for myself. I'm in love with the man in the mirror!

Brules

Readers,

Guess what is the most severe, problematic, contagious, and deadly disease that infects humanity.

Nope, you're wrong.

It's called the I'm-not-enough disease. It's when you feel inadequate, you feel that you are not enough, and therefore you do things and behave in certain ways to satisfy all the "shoulds". You hope that by doing that you feel adequate, you feel enough. But nope - after reaching that certain goal, after complying to certain standards, after following certain conventions, you still feel that you're not enough. In fact, it's like yanking the movie rolls to change a movie's outcome - all physical actions taken in the world will never make you feel enough.

The proposed solution is, therefore, to scribble a lot of "I AM ENOUGH"s. Keep on reminding and affirming yourself that you are enough.

As I was reading and reflecting on this, though, I discover that as a sufferer of the I'm-not-enough disease, I can turn this affliction into a powerful decision-making tool. When faced with a situation where a decision needs to be made, I can simply ask myself: "What would I do if I am enough? What would I do if I have nothing to prove?" I shall experiment with this, but my hunch is that this eliminates a lot of fears. When you think, and you realize, that you are actually enough, that you've actually nothing to prove, it frees you from the fear that you have to make certain decisions or act in certain ways. And then you can be free to choose whatever maximizes your happiness! Even if you chose the difficult choices - you can be certain that it was your own agency that landed to that choice, not some bullshit rule (brule) of you not being enough.

So, what would I do if I am enough? What would I do if I have nothing to prove?

You're welcome,

MA 3HY 865

Today I clicked the 'cancel registration' button in the MassRMV website.

It's finally over - my beautiful black Honda Civic was totaled a few weeks ago, and Geico had paid out the market value "worth" of her.

Her name was Anastasia - named after the very first girl I was head over heels for. Your firsts are always special. They set the standards and expectations for the seconds, thirds, and so on so forth. And there's this hard-to-grasp quality, magic, that will always be there, unforgettable. Mind you, it's not like I've never ridden or driven other cars before her. And although I will opt out of owning a car in the near future, she won't be my last car ever. Not by a far stretch.

And yet, I already know that it won't be the same.

I first got her in the summer before junior year in college, and I have been longing for a car for the longest time in the world. I still remember vividly my first ever trek to a car dealership (it was a Volkswagen dealer), the sickeningly sweet mixture of intimidation and persuasion of the car salesman, and the sigh of relief as I walked away from that deal. After what felt like hundreds of phone calls, millions of Google search, and numerous drives to a plethora of car dealers miles away from Amherst, I decided on a black Honda Civic.

I chose the SE version, which stood for "Special Edition", because guess what, your firsts are special. ;)

We've been together in numerous drives ever since. On one day I would drive her just to move between dorms, and on another she would ride me on a trek to DC. Various people have been on her passenger seats, she's seen many of the dates that I drove. She's driven me on my happiest, proudest moments, but also on my darkest. She's hid my tears while I drove to Wong's Garden as I sought to escape my stress, and she's comforted me as I drove back from New York toward Amherst in the nightfall. She has truly made my last two years of Amherst wonderful. And oh, the multiple drives to Quabbin Reservoir? Williams to take a certain someone? Connecticut to be parked at Chou's place?

Thank you, and goodbye, Anastasia. I am truly grateful for the amazing two years with you. And while I know, in the future, that I shall drive a more expensive, fancier, and perhaps more beautiful car, you'll always occupy that first-ever spot in the corner of my heart.

Hope you end up in the car heaven.. Farewell.

Skydiving

This weekend is the first weekend where I've fully implemented my strategy of responding instead of initiating - last weekend didn't count because I have already planned vacation to San Diego with my cousins and sisters!

There is probably a deep-seated fear hidden within me, which states that if I don't plan or don't initiate my weekends and reach out to people, I'll be forgotten and left to the dust. I guess we'll see if this fear is true or not. Funny because don't your deepest, truest fears are the ones that end up manifesting?

Either way, when Friday evening came around I was fully convinced that I probably won't be having any human interaction over the weekend - nobody was going to plan anything with me.

Nope, I wasn't about to be left alone, it seems. Saturday came and I was invited to visit MoMA with Steph, Corry, and Yvonne. We explored the museum and had a nice lunch at Xi'an Famous Foods. Good stuff. When Sunday came, a similar invitation came to visit the Brooklyn Museum. I voluntarily decided to be by myself today - I turned it down, and proceeded to do a lot of stuff. Perhaps.. I am beginning to enjoy this solitude.

Biologically speaking, we are hardwired to fear rejection, to fear isolation, because the caveman who didn't have a tribe didn't end up surviving against the wolves and mammoths.

Spiritually speaking, during the fall from grace, we deliberately broke off our connection with the divine and felt isolated. This pushes us to form connections with other beings, before reuniting (finding our way back) to the divine himself. 

Personally speaking, I know that this challenge is two-folds. First is to be able to stay happy, peaceful, and productive in solitude. To enjoy one's own company, march along happily, and to sustain the internal dialogue in the midst of the crowd. But secondly this is also an exercise in manifestation and a test of faith. 

For a person who is used to being controlled by his own ego, who trusts nothing but his own "logic and reason", who is used to having to reach out and initiate everything, surrendering and waiting to respond is not really different than skydiving with a tandem instructor in your back. You scream, and scream, but you realize that you have no control of your faith. It's scary to hurtle down the earth at dizzying speeds, but even scarier that you have no control over when your parachute pops open. What if the dude behind you falls asleep, or faints? What if the parachute malfunctions? What if the straps that links you to him breaks?

Well, I know, because I have been there.

I remembered screaming and screaming, until my lungs felt about to burst open. But then I realized that I couldn't even hear my own voice, because the air was so thin so high up. I thought that either I could a) continue screaming and struggling or b) enjoy the seemingly infinite vista from 14,000 feet. I reasoned that I would choose to enjoy the view, the feeling of hurtling down, and the force of air and gravity against me, because if I do end up dead splat on the ground, I'd rather not have a parched throat with that.

Not different than the skydiving experience, I also chose this. I chose to experiment with this strategy. I chose to be far, here in New York. I chose to live this life, in this body, to take this journey. Sure, perhaps the next few weeks or so might seem that I am hurtling down to the ground, or it may seem so quiet and lonely like when it happens when the air is thin. But I shall resolve to stop screaming nor worrying. I shall resolve, instead, to enjoy this majestic view, this wonderful panorama, of the world and the life that I have chosen to thread.

The parachute shall open in no time, as always, and I'll be in the ground again, thanking myself that I have chosen this path.

I am enough :)

Rituals

A person is but a sum of his or her rituals.

As follows are the rituals that I have implemented:

• Daily morning meditation + prayers - spiritual.
• Daily gratitude + daily random magic - happiness.
• Daily gym, either resistance or cardio - physical.

I have been successfully implementing these rituals for more than thirty days - I think the key here is that they are implemented first thing in the morning, and absolutely nothing gets in the way of them getting implemented. Therefore it sticks. It feels weird that, for example, if I haven't said my gratitude yet or gone to the gym.

I am implementing a few more:

• Love audio (sync with meditation)
• Radical forgiveness (sync with love audio)
• I am enough - making this more ubiquitous in my life overall
• Responding, not initiating - this is an ongoing experiment that will stick around until Mid-March

After these six core pillars are implemented, I'd love a few more to stick: 1) restricting phone/internet usage in general 2) more stories written on these blogs 3) radical mindfulness (being in the present now) 4) Hermetic energy management and reality creation 5) more reflection and journaling on my purpose and direction 6) correct eating pattern, respecting the food and ingredients 7) reading biographies and/or watching inspirational lectures.

These rituals are practiced under the foundation of "blisscipline" i.e. the notion that in order to achieve true freedom, certain amount of discipline is required.

The core of these rituals center around maintaining high energy levels throughout the day, enhancing productivity, and improving reality creation outcomes. Everything in life is energy. Scientists have discovered that physical, solid matter are but vibrations. I strive to better utilize the resource that we are given, that we only truly have: Energy and Time.

What's the relationship between the two? Who knows. But for now, I'm experimenting with these rituals to see where they can take me. And so far so good - Albeit I am a bit skeptical about the fourth strategy (responding, not initiating), the others have been doing wonders for me. And I have grown a bit lax on my gratitude and loving kindness, getting back to it would be amazing.

Yours truly,

R